Thursday, May 19, 2005
In an interstellar burst, I'm back to save a bunch of money on car insurance.
I've been trying to think of ways to make this a more bloggity blog. I mean, I hardly ever link anything, nor do i use asterisks* or parenthetical asides (which suck, by the way). I could certainly stand to use more song lyrics and/or pop culture references in my titles** while i'm at it.
So this afternoon when i was walking to my exam, this guy who's a total jerk comes up to me and says, "Hey loser, you know what else you could put on your piece of crap blog? Funny conversations you have with people that get on your nerves. Everyone can relate to that."
I was all like, "Yeah, whatever, jerk." Man, I hate that guy.
Then I thought, while i'm at it, i might as well write a list of things i want. That seems like a good idea. Bullet points, baby.
�I'd really like an eight-volume video series on the "History of the Scissors." I hear it's cutting-edge. (Ba-dum-bum-SLICE AHHHHMYFINGERSAHHHHH!&!#!+!)
�Also I want four ounces of cheese. Rotating flavors.
�Next I want a digital shoe. (Don't buy me two, I'd feel bad making someone spend that much money on me.)
�It would also be nice to have all of everyone's money.
�Finally, i want true friendship, in twelve-pack form. Don't get the two-liter kind, that stuff goes flat really fast.
So I think I've made this a pretty bloggy blog, as far as blogs go. Any other suggestions are welcome, of course. Now to go not update for a month.
----------------------
*as anna and c.n. are so fond of doing.
**RaGeicohead, anyone?
I've been trying to think of ways to make this a more bloggity blog. I mean, I hardly ever link anything, nor do i use asterisks* or parenthetical asides (which suck, by the way). I could certainly stand to use more song lyrics and/or pop culture references in my titles** while i'm at it.
So this afternoon when i was walking to my exam, this guy who's a total jerk comes up to me and says, "Hey loser, you know what else you could put on your piece of crap blog? Funny conversations you have with people that get on your nerves. Everyone can relate to that."
I was all like, "Yeah, whatever, jerk." Man, I hate that guy.
Then I thought, while i'm at it, i might as well write a list of things i want. That seems like a good idea. Bullet points, baby.
�I'd really like an eight-volume video series on the "History of the Scissors." I hear it's cutting-edge. (Ba-dum-bum-SLICE AHHHHMYFINGERSAHHHHH!&!#!+!)
�Also I want four ounces of cheese. Rotating flavors.
�Next I want a digital shoe. (Don't buy me two, I'd feel bad making someone spend that much money on me.)
�It would also be nice to have all of everyone's money.
�Finally, i want true friendship, in twelve-pack form. Don't get the two-liter kind, that stuff goes flat really fast.
So I think I've made this a pretty bloggy blog, as far as blogs go. Any other suggestions are welcome, of course. Now to go not update for a month.
----------------------
*as anna and c.n. are so fond of doing.
**RaGeicohead, anyone?
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Friday, May 13, 2005
Here's somethng you don't hear every day: Someone saying "It's Tuesday" and being right.
You know how when you kill a dinosaur, and you can usually taste its blood seconds before you throw the spear, but then it kind of tastes like Frito-Lays, so you stop killing the dinosaur and you go down to the hardware store and buy a big plank of wood so you can smash in the window of the grocery store and run off with a free bag of Frito-Lays? This post is about that.
I want to work in the post office and write dumb comments on all the letters that make fun of the people's names. Then, whenever there was a letter that didn't have a funny name on it, I would just change the name to Oliver Buttski. I think it might be a felony to tamper with the mail, but come on... Oliver Buttski.
Judo is kind of fun. Especially in someone else's ballet class.
I think that's all I have to say this time. Look for a midweek freakup if I have time.
You know how when you kill a dinosaur, and you can usually taste its blood seconds before you throw the spear, but then it kind of tastes like Frito-Lays, so you stop killing the dinosaur and you go down to the hardware store and buy a big plank of wood so you can smash in the window of the grocery store and run off with a free bag of Frito-Lays? This post is about that.
I want to work in the post office and write dumb comments on all the letters that make fun of the people's names. Then, whenever there was a letter that didn't have a funny name on it, I would just change the name to Oliver Buttski. I think it might be a felony to tamper with the mail, but come on... Oliver Buttski.
Judo is kind of fun. Especially in someone else's ballet class.
I think that's all I have to say this time. Look for a midweek freakup if I have time.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Cinco de Todayo!
Jose Felicianos! It's Cinco de Mayo, my favorite holiday! Oh man, is this day ever great. How could you beat a holiday named after the day it happens on? Even the Fourth of July is just a cheap knock-off brand Cinco de Mayo. I was putting off the weekly freakup just so I could post on Cinco de Mayo. That was the only reason.
Since I've just started the blog back up, and in honor of this most glorious and Mexican of holidays, I'm totally going to write a post that incorporates all of the recurring features of the old "freak up your day" that I can remember. We'll kick it off with Ask Bensaki (tm). Ask Bensaki!
Dear Bensaki,
What is the big deal with Cinco de Mayo? And while we're at it, how big a deal is it exactly? Are we talking, like, a Louisiana Purchase-sized deal, or a Taco Tuesdays-sized deal? What can I get for half a dumpling?
Desperately,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Cinco de Mayo is like pants. Pants that you only wear once a year. So when you think about it, you're half-naked every other day of the year, but then when Cinco de Mayo comes, you're suddenly fully dressed! And that's pretty exciting. I'm sure you'd agree.
In regards to your question about sizes of deals, do you remember the New Deal? You might not have heard of it; it's fairly new. Anyway, take two New Deals, a square deal, and a banana peel, add them all together, and it should give you a deal about the size of Cinco de Mayo.
Half a dumpling will get you Dos And A Quarter de Mayo.
Dashingly,
Bensaki (tm)
Dear Bensaki,
What would it rule if?
Yours,
Troolie
Dear Troolie,
Great question. I will answer your question with a series of multiple choice questions, something of a magazine quiz, if you will. Whoever answers the most questions right wins a dump full of halflings.
Question 1: What would it rule if?
a) It would rule if my palm were a bestseller among palm readers. Oh, the royalties!
b) It would rule if Cinco de Mayo were also known as El Dia de los Pantalones.
c) It would rule if minstrels not only tasted like mint as their name suggests, but also minted coins in their pockets and gave them away! As it is, the only thing in their pockets is lint. Maybe we should call them linstrels.
d) It would rule if "All of the Above" were an answer, BUT IT'S NOT! Ho ho ha ha ha!
The correct answer was "d."
Question 2: What would it drool if?
a) ...a delicious aroma were wafted toward its nostrils.
b) ...it had a mouth shaped like a water spigot.
c) ...it were the Electric Disco Fencepost experiencing a mild case of childbirth.
d) ...it wanted the nickname "The Droolin' Fool" for some reason.
The correct answer was "pee."
Question 3: A long time ago, people used to ______.
a) entertain themselves on Saturday nights by whittling dynamite out of pieces of of nuclear bomb.
b) entertain themselves on Saturday nights by not realizing China was a word.
c) collect exercise equipment in hopes of becoming "treadmillionaires."
d) be a lot more "web-savvy."
The correct answer was "3."
Question Four Already: Would you hate me forever if I told you that pickup truck looks fat on you?
a) I'd hate you for as long as it worked out, but I'm just not ready to commit to a lifetime of that level of resentment yet.
b) I don't know, "hate" and "told" and "pickup" are such strong words...
c) Wait, back up. WHAT?
d) It's supposed to look fat on me. I want people to remember me as a hefty, truck-shaped person.
The correct answer was "it tolls for thee."
I hope that answers your question, Troolie. And to all you readers at home, I hope that starts your Cinco de Mayo off right. And to all you angry squirtgun snipers, I hope that gets you off my lawn.
Correspondingly,
Bensaki (tm)
Jose Felicianos! It's Cinco de Mayo, my favorite holiday! Oh man, is this day ever great. How could you beat a holiday named after the day it happens on? Even the Fourth of July is just a cheap knock-off brand Cinco de Mayo. I was putting off the weekly freakup just so I could post on Cinco de Mayo. That was the only reason.
Since I've just started the blog back up, and in honor of this most glorious and Mexican of holidays, I'm totally going to write a post that incorporates all of the recurring features of the old "freak up your day" that I can remember. We'll kick it off with Ask Bensaki (tm). Ask Bensaki!
Dear Bensaki,
What is the big deal with Cinco de Mayo? And while we're at it, how big a deal is it exactly? Are we talking, like, a Louisiana Purchase-sized deal, or a Taco Tuesdays-sized deal? What can I get for half a dumpling?
Desperately,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Cinco de Mayo is like pants. Pants that you only wear once a year. So when you think about it, you're half-naked every other day of the year, but then when Cinco de Mayo comes, you're suddenly fully dressed! And that's pretty exciting. I'm sure you'd agree.
In regards to your question about sizes of deals, do you remember the New Deal? You might not have heard of it; it's fairly new. Anyway, take two New Deals, a square deal, and a banana peel, add them all together, and it should give you a deal about the size of Cinco de Mayo.
Half a dumpling will get you Dos And A Quarter de Mayo.
Dashingly,
Bensaki (tm)
Dear Bensaki,
What would it rule if?
Yours,
Troolie
Dear Troolie,
Great question. I will answer your question with a series of multiple choice questions, something of a magazine quiz, if you will. Whoever answers the most questions right wins a dump full of halflings.
Question 1: What would it rule if?
a) It would rule if my palm were a bestseller among palm readers. Oh, the royalties!
b) It would rule if Cinco de Mayo were also known as El Dia de los Pantalones.
c) It would rule if minstrels not only tasted like mint as their name suggests, but also minted coins in their pockets and gave them away! As it is, the only thing in their pockets is lint. Maybe we should call them linstrels.
d) It would rule if "All of the Above" were an answer, BUT IT'S NOT! Ho ho ha ha ha!
The correct answer was "d."
Question 2: What would it drool if?
a) ...a delicious aroma were wafted toward its nostrils.
b) ...it had a mouth shaped like a water spigot.
c) ...it were the Electric Disco Fencepost experiencing a mild case of childbirth.
d) ...it wanted the nickname "The Droolin' Fool" for some reason.
The correct answer was "pee."
Question 3: A long time ago, people used to ______.
a) entertain themselves on Saturday nights by whittling dynamite out of pieces of of nuclear bomb.
b) entertain themselves on Saturday nights by not realizing China was a word.
c) collect exercise equipment in hopes of becoming "treadmillionaires."
d) be a lot more "web-savvy."
The correct answer was "3."
Question Four Already: Would you hate me forever if I told you that pickup truck looks fat on you?
a) I'd hate you for as long as it worked out, but I'm just not ready to commit to a lifetime of that level of resentment yet.
b) I don't know, "hate" and "told" and "pickup" are such strong words...
c) Wait, back up. WHAT?
d) It's supposed to look fat on me. I want people to remember me as a hefty, truck-shaped person.
The correct answer was "it tolls for thee."
I hope that answers your question, Troolie. And to all you readers at home, I hope that starts your Cinco de Mayo off right. And to all you angry squirtgun snipers, I hope that gets you off my lawn.
Correspondingly,
Bensaki (tm)
