Thursday, May 05, 2005
Cinco de Todayo!
Jose Felicianos! It's Cinco de Mayo, my favorite holiday! Oh man, is this day ever great. How could you beat a holiday named after the day it happens on? Even the Fourth of July is just a cheap knock-off brand Cinco de Mayo. I was putting off the weekly freakup just so I could post on Cinco de Mayo. That was the only reason.
Since I've just started the blog back up, and in honor of this most glorious and Mexican of holidays, I'm totally going to write a post that incorporates all of the recurring features of the old "freak up your day" that I can remember. We'll kick it off with Ask Bensaki (tm). Ask Bensaki!
Dear Bensaki,
What is the big deal with Cinco de Mayo? And while we're at it, how big a deal is it exactly? Are we talking, like, a Louisiana Purchase-sized deal, or a Taco Tuesdays-sized deal? What can I get for half a dumpling?
Desperately,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Cinco de Mayo is like pants. Pants that you only wear once a year. So when you think about it, you're half-naked every other day of the year, but then when Cinco de Mayo comes, you're suddenly fully dressed! And that's pretty exciting. I'm sure you'd agree.
In regards to your question about sizes of deals, do you remember the New Deal? You might not have heard of it; it's fairly new. Anyway, take two New Deals, a square deal, and a banana peel, add them all together, and it should give you a deal about the size of Cinco de Mayo.
Half a dumpling will get you Dos And A Quarter de Mayo.
Dashingly,
Bensaki (tm)
Dear Bensaki,
What would it rule if?
Yours,
Troolie
Dear Troolie,
Great question. I will answer your question with a series of multiple choice questions, something of a magazine quiz, if you will. Whoever answers the most questions right wins a dump full of halflings.
Question 1: What would it rule if?
a) It would rule if my palm were a bestseller among palm readers. Oh, the royalties!
b) It would rule if Cinco de Mayo were also known as El Dia de los Pantalones.
c) It would rule if minstrels not only tasted like mint as their name suggests, but also minted coins in their pockets and gave them away! As it is, the only thing in their pockets is lint. Maybe we should call them linstrels.
d) It would rule if "All of the Above" were an answer, BUT IT'S NOT! Ho ho ha ha ha!
The correct answer was "d."
Question 2: What would it drool if?
a) ...a delicious aroma were wafted toward its nostrils.
b) ...it had a mouth shaped like a water spigot.
c) ...it were the Electric Disco Fencepost experiencing a mild case of childbirth.
d) ...it wanted the nickname "The Droolin' Fool" for some reason.
The correct answer was "pee."
Question 3: A long time ago, people used to ______.
a) entertain themselves on Saturday nights by whittling dynamite out of pieces of of nuclear bomb.
b) entertain themselves on Saturday nights by not realizing China was a word.
c) collect exercise equipment in hopes of becoming "treadmillionaires."
d) be a lot more "web-savvy."
The correct answer was "3."
Question Four Already: Would you hate me forever if I told you that pickup truck looks fat on you?
a) I'd hate you for as long as it worked out, but I'm just not ready to commit to a lifetime of that level of resentment yet.
b) I don't know, "hate" and "told" and "pickup" are such strong words...
c) Wait, back up. WHAT?
d) It's supposed to look fat on me. I want people to remember me as a hefty, truck-shaped person.
The correct answer was "it tolls for thee."
I hope that answers your question, Troolie. And to all you readers at home, I hope that starts your Cinco de Mayo off right. And to all you angry squirtgun snipers, I hope that gets you off my lawn.
Correspondingly,
Bensaki (tm)
Jose Felicianos! It's Cinco de Mayo, my favorite holiday! Oh man, is this day ever great. How could you beat a holiday named after the day it happens on? Even the Fourth of July is just a cheap knock-off brand Cinco de Mayo. I was putting off the weekly freakup just so I could post on Cinco de Mayo. That was the only reason.
Since I've just started the blog back up, and in honor of this most glorious and Mexican of holidays, I'm totally going to write a post that incorporates all of the recurring features of the old "freak up your day" that I can remember. We'll kick it off with Ask Bensaki (tm). Ask Bensaki!
Dear Bensaki,
What is the big deal with Cinco de Mayo? And while we're at it, how big a deal is it exactly? Are we talking, like, a Louisiana Purchase-sized deal, or a Taco Tuesdays-sized deal? What can I get for half a dumpling?
Desperately,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Cinco de Mayo is like pants. Pants that you only wear once a year. So when you think about it, you're half-naked every other day of the year, but then when Cinco de Mayo comes, you're suddenly fully dressed! And that's pretty exciting. I'm sure you'd agree.
In regards to your question about sizes of deals, do you remember the New Deal? You might not have heard of it; it's fairly new. Anyway, take two New Deals, a square deal, and a banana peel, add them all together, and it should give you a deal about the size of Cinco de Mayo.
Half a dumpling will get you Dos And A Quarter de Mayo.
Dashingly,
Bensaki (tm)
Dear Bensaki,
What would it rule if?
Yours,
Troolie
Dear Troolie,
Great question. I will answer your question with a series of multiple choice questions, something of a magazine quiz, if you will. Whoever answers the most questions right wins a dump full of halflings.
Question 1: What would it rule if?
a) It would rule if my palm were a bestseller among palm readers. Oh, the royalties!
b) It would rule if Cinco de Mayo were also known as El Dia de los Pantalones.
c) It would rule if minstrels not only tasted like mint as their name suggests, but also minted coins in their pockets and gave them away! As it is, the only thing in their pockets is lint. Maybe we should call them linstrels.
d) It would rule if "All of the Above" were an answer, BUT IT'S NOT! Ho ho ha ha ha!
The correct answer was "d."
Question 2: What would it drool if?
a) ...a delicious aroma were wafted toward its nostrils.
b) ...it had a mouth shaped like a water spigot.
c) ...it were the Electric Disco Fencepost experiencing a mild case of childbirth.
d) ...it wanted the nickname "The Droolin' Fool" for some reason.
The correct answer was "pee."
Question 3: A long time ago, people used to ______.
a) entertain themselves on Saturday nights by whittling dynamite out of pieces of of nuclear bomb.
b) entertain themselves on Saturday nights by not realizing China was a word.
c) collect exercise equipment in hopes of becoming "treadmillionaires."
d) be a lot more "web-savvy."
The correct answer was "3."
Question Four Already: Would you hate me forever if I told you that pickup truck looks fat on you?
a) I'd hate you for as long as it worked out, but I'm just not ready to commit to a lifetime of that level of resentment yet.
b) I don't know, "hate" and "told" and "pickup" are such strong words...
c) Wait, back up. WHAT?
d) It's supposed to look fat on me. I want people to remember me as a hefty, truck-shaped person.
The correct answer was "it tolls for thee."
I hope that answers your question, Troolie. And to all you readers at home, I hope that starts your Cinco de Mayo off right. And to all you angry squirtgun snipers, I hope that gets you off my lawn.
Correspondingly,
Bensaki (tm)
