Thursday, December 16, 2004
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Antique up your day
Okay look, butt-faces. I'm not going to give you a list of funny-sounding foreign names. I was never planning on it, and your insinuations that i would do something like that are both insulting and embarrassingly accurate. Therefore, i choose to spite you and your lowbrow senses of humor by denying you any funny-sounding names. You'll just have to go to lowestcommondenominator.com and find them yourselves.
Now permit me to ramble about something: Egg nog, which has to be the best nog i've ever tasted. Don't be suckered in by the proponents of paint nog. That stuff just doesn't sit well with anyone's digestive system, i don't care what they say. Some people don't like eggs, or at least that's what i've heard. Whatever, i say to them. The last thing we need is a bunch of people running around with their distaste for eggs hanging out. Keep it to yourself and drink the egg nog for the good of your country and mankind.
Oh, well never mind about the rambling, i guess. My train of thought was just interrupted by some clown playing Dashboard Confessional across the hall. The concept of the Dashboard Confessional, as you know, sprung from the traditional practice of cabbies and other drivers who would glue statues of Jesus or the virgin Mary on their dashboard. Over the years, this practice developped and expanded to include other elements of the Catholic mass, such as the console altar, the incense ball hanging from the rearview mirror, and eventually the Dashboard Confessional. In other cultures, this band is known alternately as Dashboard Meditation, Dashboard Mecca, and Dashboard Buddhaland. They were considering marketing it to the Amish community as Horse's Butt Confessional, but they were saved from this ill-advised scheme when they remembered that the Amish don't have any devices for listening to recorded music anyway.
So there you go. I didn't give you any funny-sounding foreign names, but i did make fun of the Amish, and i'd say that's on about the same level.
Okay look, butt-faces. I'm not going to give you a list of funny-sounding foreign names. I was never planning on it, and your insinuations that i would do something like that are both insulting and embarrassingly accurate. Therefore, i choose to spite you and your lowbrow senses of humor by denying you any funny-sounding names. You'll just have to go to lowestcommondenominator.com and find them yourselves.
Now permit me to ramble about something: Egg nog, which has to be the best nog i've ever tasted. Don't be suckered in by the proponents of paint nog. That stuff just doesn't sit well with anyone's digestive system, i don't care what they say. Some people don't like eggs, or at least that's what i've heard. Whatever, i say to them. The last thing we need is a bunch of people running around with their distaste for eggs hanging out. Keep it to yourself and drink the egg nog for the good of your country and mankind.
Oh, well never mind about the rambling, i guess. My train of thought was just interrupted by some clown playing Dashboard Confessional across the hall. The concept of the Dashboard Confessional, as you know, sprung from the traditional practice of cabbies and other drivers who would glue statues of Jesus or the virgin Mary on their dashboard. Over the years, this practice developped and expanded to include other elements of the Catholic mass, such as the console altar, the incense ball hanging from the rearview mirror, and eventually the Dashboard Confessional. In other cultures, this band is known alternately as Dashboard Meditation, Dashboard Mecca, and Dashboard Buddhaland. They were considering marketing it to the Amish community as Horse's Butt Confessional, but they were saved from this ill-advised scheme when they remembered that the Amish don't have any devices for listening to recorded music anyway.
So there you go. I didn't give you any funny-sounding foreign names, but i did make fun of the Amish, and i'd say that's on about the same level.
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Isral thinks his blog sucks
Come on, man. Mine is so much worse. I'm posting like once a week, and the stuff i do post is either not funny or really old and not funny. I'm surprised this blog hasn't degenerated into a big list of funny-sounding foreign names. I'm sure it's not too far off.
Come on, man. Mine is so much worse. I'm posting like once a week, and the stuff i do post is either not funny or really old and not funny. I'm surprised this blog hasn't degenerated into a big list of funny-sounding foreign names. I'm sure it's not too far off.
Friday, December 03, 2004
Week After Day After Freaksgiving Sale!!
This was Isral's idea. He said the next time i was hard up for posts, i should post one of the old back-issue versions of the semi-fabled, extremely rare, deservedly unknown Bensaki Emails. These were pretty much what i wrote before i had a blog, so they're kind of in the same vein, only i sent them to people by email. Since pretty much only my friends read this blog, there's a good chance you've read this already, but for whatever reason, i'm posting it anyway. Enjoy.
the critics raved. the critics ranted. the critics were rabid. they had to be put to sleep. so bensaki continued on his million-dollar campaign to annoy everyone on his email list for his own personal amusement. now, before your grilled cheese ice cream sandwich gets stale, we will move on to today's illustrious topic of enlightenment. that topic is: the zucchini family tree. being educated squirrel monkeys, we all realize that it is quite important to have some background on the subject before flinging ourselves headlong into the vast gulf of enlightenment. so gather up your eating utensils and prepare to take a trip with me (in your mind, of course.). last week, using a spork and a rusty piece of a soda bottle, i dug up what appeared to be a zucchini. much to my surprise, it was. this interested me so much that i immediately got on the internet to research it and was promptly kicked off by Max von Cruusha, the owner of the computer, who also yelled at me for digging up his backyard. this set me back several days in my work, but also brings the story up to the current time, where we are now. that's enough background, i think.
you may be surprised to learn that the relationships between zucchinis and their relatives are much like those of humans. (i wasn't, but you may be.) after all, when you are green and forced to live in the same spot for all of your life, you need to have emotional support. i don't know this from experience, but it's pretty much common sense. there's not much more i can say, the research speaks for itself.
once again, it is time to catch up on all those crucial podiatrist appointments you may have missed. that's right, we have come to the end of our magnanimous velocity. so step around waxed floors, and for heaven's sake, wear a helmet when you're dusting those shelves! remember kids, bensaki sez, "when life gives you natural disasters, make soup."
~bensaki the effervescent
*DISCLAIMER: bensaki is a widely boycotted organization who wears socks on a regular basis.
This was Isral's idea. He said the next time i was hard up for posts, i should post one of the old back-issue versions of the semi-fabled, extremely rare, deservedly unknown Bensaki Emails. These were pretty much what i wrote before i had a blog, so they're kind of in the same vein, only i sent them to people by email. Since pretty much only my friends read this blog, there's a good chance you've read this already, but for whatever reason, i'm posting it anyway. Enjoy.
the critics raved. the critics ranted. the critics were rabid. they had to be put to sleep. so bensaki continued on his million-dollar campaign to annoy everyone on his email list for his own personal amusement. now, before your grilled cheese ice cream sandwich gets stale, we will move on to today's illustrious topic of enlightenment. that topic is: the zucchini family tree. being educated squirrel monkeys, we all realize that it is quite important to have some background on the subject before flinging ourselves headlong into the vast gulf of enlightenment. so gather up your eating utensils and prepare to take a trip with me (in your mind, of course.). last week, using a spork and a rusty piece of a soda bottle, i dug up what appeared to be a zucchini. much to my surprise, it was. this interested me so much that i immediately got on the internet to research it and was promptly kicked off by Max von Cruusha, the owner of the computer, who also yelled at me for digging up his backyard. this set me back several days in my work, but also brings the story up to the current time, where we are now. that's enough background, i think.
you may be surprised to learn that the relationships between zucchinis and their relatives are much like those of humans. (i wasn't, but you may be.) after all, when you are green and forced to live in the same spot for all of your life, you need to have emotional support. i don't know this from experience, but it's pretty much common sense. there's not much more i can say, the research speaks for itself.
once again, it is time to catch up on all those crucial podiatrist appointments you may have missed. that's right, we have come to the end of our magnanimous velocity. so step around waxed floors, and for heaven's sake, wear a helmet when you're dusting those shelves! remember kids, bensaki sez, "when life gives you natural disasters, make soup."
~bensaki the effervescent
*DISCLAIMER: bensaki is a widely boycotted organization who wears socks on a regular basis.
