Thursday, April 01, 2004
Civil Suit #814PQ6HJ11: The Duchy of Stuff vs. Benjamin von Saki
(part three of three)
So it turned out the Duke of Stuff wasn't being completely honest with me. A mere four hours after his promise not to punish me beyond a short writing assignment, a fully-armed minion showed up at my door. The minion was eating Funyuns and holding a postcard from the Grand Canyon, and he served me a summons without so much as a "how-d'you-do." So i had to appear in court to be sued by my own friend and feudal lord for the ridiculous amount of a whole bunch of stuff. (My lawyers and i tried to settle out of court for a reasonable half a bunch of stuff, but he was having none of that.)
So i showed up the morning of the suit in a suit that didn't quite suit the occasion. It was covered in soot. I had to borrow a tie at the last minute from the Earl of Poetasters, who, just my luck, was the only one hanging around the castle that morning. On the tie was emblazoned the stupid inscription "Rhyme is the lime of the time on the dime," and there was a big picture of this guy in a black-and-white-striped shirt and pale white facepaint who looked like he was riding an imaginary bike. Yeah, no kidding - what's that supposed to mean? Anyway, i took my place on the stand, and it all went down like this:
His Honor Some Judge: Case Number Something, Duchy of Stuff vs. This Guy. Whaddya have to say for yourself?
Duke of Stuff: Your honor, This Guy totally stole an entire bunch of My Stuff. I want it back, and how.
HHSJ: Well, that sounds reasonable. What do have to say in your defense, This?
This Guy (me): I plead guilty for reasons of insanity. One would have to be insane to believe i'm guilty.
DoS: A clever play, my loyal subject. But what's that in your pocket?
HHSJ: An apt question. I'd rather like to know myself. What is that in your pocket?
TG(m): Oh, you mean this Bunch? This Bunch of Stuff? Oh, this is just a present from a couple furry friends of mine.
HHSJ: Furry friends?
TG(m): If you must know, it's a present from my squirrel pants. I don't know where they got it.
HHSJ: Let us see the Bunch of Stuff.
*i show them the Bunch of Stuff*
HHSJ: Duke of Stuff, is this your Stuff?
DoS: It is! My beloved Stuff! You have no idea how much it means to me... I'm like a duke of that stuff!
HHSJ: Well, that settles it as far as I'm concerned. I pronounce those squirrel pants guilty. Take them into custody. This Guy, you're free to go.
TG(m): Wait a second. You can't take my pants to jail! This is a lawsuit, not a criminal trial, and a questionably conducted lawsuit at that. Furthermore, AAAAAHHHH!!!! I'M NAKED!!!!
HHSJ: Oh, well, I never! Indecent exposure! I sentence you to twelve years as a Hollywood actor.
TG(m):(despairing) NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
----
So it turns out i'm going to be in the movie business for a while. It's not all bad, i guess. You can see me this summer in the retro-western flick "The Duke Done Done Me Wrong, And I Done Ain't Done Nuthin'." I play a pair of pants.
(part three of three)
So it turned out the Duke of Stuff wasn't being completely honest with me. A mere four hours after his promise not to punish me beyond a short writing assignment, a fully-armed minion showed up at my door. The minion was eating Funyuns and holding a postcard from the Grand Canyon, and he served me a summons without so much as a "how-d'you-do." So i had to appear in court to be sued by my own friend and feudal lord for the ridiculous amount of a whole bunch of stuff. (My lawyers and i tried to settle out of court for a reasonable half a bunch of stuff, but he was having none of that.)
So i showed up the morning of the suit in a suit that didn't quite suit the occasion. It was covered in soot. I had to borrow a tie at the last minute from the Earl of Poetasters, who, just my luck, was the only one hanging around the castle that morning. On the tie was emblazoned the stupid inscription "Rhyme is the lime of the time on the dime," and there was a big picture of this guy in a black-and-white-striped shirt and pale white facepaint who looked like he was riding an imaginary bike. Yeah, no kidding - what's that supposed to mean? Anyway, i took my place on the stand, and it all went down like this:
His Honor Some Judge: Case Number Something, Duchy of Stuff vs. This Guy. Whaddya have to say for yourself?
Duke of Stuff: Your honor, This Guy totally stole an entire bunch of My Stuff. I want it back, and how.
HHSJ: Well, that sounds reasonable. What do have to say in your defense, This?
This Guy (me): I plead guilty for reasons of insanity. One would have to be insane to believe i'm guilty.
DoS: A clever play, my loyal subject. But what's that in your pocket?
HHSJ: An apt question. I'd rather like to know myself. What is that in your pocket?
TG(m): Oh, you mean this Bunch? This Bunch of Stuff? Oh, this is just a present from a couple furry friends of mine.
HHSJ: Furry friends?
TG(m): If you must know, it's a present from my squirrel pants. I don't know where they got it.
HHSJ: Let us see the Bunch of Stuff.
*i show them the Bunch of Stuff*
HHSJ: Duke of Stuff, is this your Stuff?
DoS: It is! My beloved Stuff! You have no idea how much it means to me... I'm like a duke of that stuff!
HHSJ: Well, that settles it as far as I'm concerned. I pronounce those squirrel pants guilty. Take them into custody. This Guy, you're free to go.
TG(m): Wait a second. You can't take my pants to jail! This is a lawsuit, not a criminal trial, and a questionably conducted lawsuit at that. Furthermore, AAAAAHHHH!!!! I'M NAKED!!!!
HHSJ: Oh, well, I never! Indecent exposure! I sentence you to twelve years as a Hollywood actor.
TG(m):(despairing) NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
----
So it turns out i'm going to be in the movie business for a while. It's not all bad, i guess. You can see me this summer in the retro-western flick "The Duke Done Done Me Wrong, And I Done Ain't Done Nuthin'." I play a pair of pants.
