Thursday, March 11, 2004
This one's gonna be good. I swear.
It is time once again for Ask Bensaki®, the classic segment i bring back from time to time when i'm so hard pressed for material that i have to resort to using not only a gimmick, but an old gimmick. Today's fun-filled episode will include anywhere from three to four questions from dedicated, fabricated readers, all of which i will answer to some extent. So before you lose interest (you and i both), here's the first one.
Dear Ask Bensaki®,
'Sincerely' just isn't cutting it anymore. Every time i receive a letter from a close friend, would-be assassin, or co-worker, it invariably closes with an assurance of the author's sincerity. Even letters obviously ironic in intent close with the trite adverb. So I ask you: What desirable alternatives to 'Sincerely' are out there, and how do I go about promulgating them?
Sincerely,
Chadmer
Dear Chadmer,
I had a friend who used to sign his letters 'One-leggedly,' but i never knew how to take that. All the same, it pleases me to be asked such a question, as i sympathize with your linguistic plight. Here are some of my favorite send-offs: 'Semiunmaliciously' works for just about anyone you don't have specific homicidal hatred toward. 'Mouth-breathingly' works for people you are stalking. For more formal letters, 'Rabidly' always leaves a good impression. Use 'With affection' for addressees who are fond of fections, or 'With a faction' for addressees against whom you are planning a coup d'état. But the quintessential greeting, in my opinion, is 'Skull-crushingly.' Start using that one in your own letters, and it's sure to catch on. Although, with a name like Chadmer, you may be better off with 'Pretentiously.'
Sincerely,
Bensaki
Dear Ask Bensaki®,
Pomegranate?
Reggie
Dear Reggie,
Yes, please.
Bensaki
Dear Ask Bensaki,
I like nothing better than to crush skulls. Whenever I see a skull, all I can think about is crushing it. You might say I have a crush on crushing skulls. I can't help it. The idea has got into my skull, and I can't crush it. I want to crush some skulls. My question is, do you mind?
Sincerely,
Crusherly Skullton
Dearest Crusherly,
Shame on you, getting all my hopes up like that. I have no words for you. You're dead to me.
With affection,
Bensaki
Dear Flask of Saki,
I have a problem. Every time I get up the nerve to ask this one guy out, I remember he's a historic figure who has been dead these four hundred years. Has this ever happened to you? And if so, how do I get giraffes to stop sermonizing at me?
Skull-crushingly,
Lindannabethiette
Dear Larissabilly,
I have had troubles in the past with great historic figures hitting on me, but I've never developed a sufficient crush on one myself to be able to sympathize with you. However, if you ever get over Michelangelo or whoever, there's a friend of mine, one Crusherly Skullton, whom i could easily set you up with. Don't let the name fool you - he's really quite a macho guy. He could probably get the giraffes to leave you alone too.
One-leggedly,
Bensaki
That concludes today's episode. Let me know what you make of it. I'm still trying to figure out what's going on there myself.
It is time once again for Ask Bensaki®, the classic segment i bring back from time to time when i'm so hard pressed for material that i have to resort to using not only a gimmick, but an old gimmick. Today's fun-filled episode will include anywhere from three to four questions from dedicated, fabricated readers, all of which i will answer to some extent. So before you lose interest (you and i both), here's the first one.
Dear Ask Bensaki®,
'Sincerely' just isn't cutting it anymore. Every time i receive a letter from a close friend, would-be assassin, or co-worker, it invariably closes with an assurance of the author's sincerity. Even letters obviously ironic in intent close with the trite adverb. So I ask you: What desirable alternatives to 'Sincerely' are out there, and how do I go about promulgating them?
Sincerely,
Chadmer
Dear Chadmer,
I had a friend who used to sign his letters 'One-leggedly,' but i never knew how to take that. All the same, it pleases me to be asked such a question, as i sympathize with your linguistic plight. Here are some of my favorite send-offs: 'Semiunmaliciously' works for just about anyone you don't have specific homicidal hatred toward. 'Mouth-breathingly' works for people you are stalking. For more formal letters, 'Rabidly' always leaves a good impression. Use 'With affection' for addressees who are fond of fections, or 'With a faction' for addressees against whom you are planning a coup d'état. But the quintessential greeting, in my opinion, is 'Skull-crushingly.' Start using that one in your own letters, and it's sure to catch on. Although, with a name like Chadmer, you may be better off with 'Pretentiously.'
Sincerely,
Bensaki
Dear Ask Bensaki®,
Pomegranate?
Reggie
Dear Reggie,
Yes, please.
Bensaki
Dear Ask Bensaki,
I like nothing better than to crush skulls. Whenever I see a skull, all I can think about is crushing it. You might say I have a crush on crushing skulls. I can't help it. The idea has got into my skull, and I can't crush it. I want to crush some skulls. My question is, do you mind?
Sincerely,
Crusherly Skullton
Dearest Crusherly,
Shame on you, getting all my hopes up like that. I have no words for you. You're dead to me.
With affection,
Bensaki
Dear Flask of Saki,
I have a problem. Every time I get up the nerve to ask this one guy out, I remember he's a historic figure who has been dead these four hundred years. Has this ever happened to you? And if so, how do I get giraffes to stop sermonizing at me?
Skull-crushingly,
Lindannabethiette
Dear Larissabilly,
I have had troubles in the past with great historic figures hitting on me, but I've never developed a sufficient crush on one myself to be able to sympathize with you. However, if you ever get over Michelangelo or whoever, there's a friend of mine, one Crusherly Skullton, whom i could easily set you up with. Don't let the name fool you - he's really quite a macho guy. He could probably get the giraffes to leave you alone too.
One-leggedly,
Bensaki
That concludes today's episode. Let me know what you make of it. I'm still trying to figure out what's going on there myself.
