Thursday, March 18, 2004
Secret and You Shall Findret
Exposé time? Why yes, it is. How did you know? As most of you are probably aware, there is a shady character lurking about my comments and book of guests whose specialty and name are snide comments and Iain Anderson, respectively. How much do you actually know about this Iain character? Well, you're about to know a whole lot more, because - that's right - i've done an exposé. Based on information i've gleaned from the internet concerning the several hundred Iain Andersons out there, i've made up this timeline of our particular Iain's life. The chap was born in 1962, which places him precisely somewhere between the ages of 11 and 78. From there, the timeline takes over, so i'll waste no more time and space getting to it. Here 'tis.
Timeline of the Life of Iain Anderson
-1962: Birth, followed by several years of unintelligible complaining about unspecified issues.
-1965: Publishes first volume of memoirs: Goo Goo Ga: My Repressed Childhood - The Early Years
-1971: Befriends a family of monkeys; makes off with their life savings and all their food.
-1972: Spends the monkeys' life savings on an economy-sized jug of vinegar; pours entire contents onto a hobo's head from a fourth-story window.
-1975: Kicks a defenseless pumpkin.
-1978: Establishes the celebrated Dubious High School Toilet Humor Club.
-1979: Holds up a toll booth; takes his toll.
-1980: Enjoying his newfound rights as an 18-year-old, he votes a lot and gets married three times.
-1982: Travels back in time to wreak havoc on the stone age. Meets his junior high self on the way. They decide to hang out.
-1975: Re-kicks the defenseless pumpkin.
-1980: Annuls his marriages. Buys a lottery ticket. Many jugs of vinegar to follow.
-1982: Bored with the prospect of living those seven years yet again and earning a third high school degree, he decides to travel forward in time to a day when popular music is no longer total crap.
-3046: Gets his groove on in a major way, but misses the company of humans and other non-androids. Returns to the 80's.
-1988: Cuts his hair into a razor-tipped mohawk for slicin' up stuff. Sweet.
-1991: Ponders the meaning of life for a while.
-1996: Emerges from literary obscurity with his second published work, the critically acclaimed What Individualism Can Do for Mankind.
1998: Destroys the entire earth in a powerful fit of sneezing; wakes up.
2000: Yells and screams.
2003: Eats the cherries off of the world's ice cream sundaes.
2004: Gets his kicks by pretending to be a girl my cousin knows named Lindsay and posting snide comments on my blog, landing himself in a king-sized heap of exposé.
So there you have it. The ugly truth. For the rest of you, beware of this pumpkin-kicking no-goodnik. For Iain... i've got my eye on you. ;P
Exposé time? Why yes, it is. How did you know? As most of you are probably aware, there is a shady character lurking about my comments and book of guests whose specialty and name are snide comments and Iain Anderson, respectively. How much do you actually know about this Iain character? Well, you're about to know a whole lot more, because - that's right - i've done an exposé. Based on information i've gleaned from the internet concerning the several hundred Iain Andersons out there, i've made up this timeline of our particular Iain's life. The chap was born in 1962, which places him precisely somewhere between the ages of 11 and 78. From there, the timeline takes over, so i'll waste no more time and space getting to it. Here 'tis.
Timeline of the Life of Iain Anderson
-1962: Birth, followed by several years of unintelligible complaining about unspecified issues.
-1965: Publishes first volume of memoirs: Goo Goo Ga: My Repressed Childhood - The Early Years
-1971: Befriends a family of monkeys; makes off with their life savings and all their food.
-1972: Spends the monkeys' life savings on an economy-sized jug of vinegar; pours entire contents onto a hobo's head from a fourth-story window.
-1975: Kicks a defenseless pumpkin.
-1978: Establishes the celebrated Dubious High School Toilet Humor Club.
-1979: Holds up a toll booth; takes his toll.
-1980: Enjoying his newfound rights as an 18-year-old, he votes a lot and gets married three times.
-1982: Travels back in time to wreak havoc on the stone age. Meets his junior high self on the way. They decide to hang out.
-1975: Re-kicks the defenseless pumpkin.
-1980: Annuls his marriages. Buys a lottery ticket. Many jugs of vinegar to follow.
-1982: Bored with the prospect of living those seven years yet again and earning a third high school degree, he decides to travel forward in time to a day when popular music is no longer total crap.
-3046: Gets his groove on in a major way, but misses the company of humans and other non-androids. Returns to the 80's.
-1988: Cuts his hair into a razor-tipped mohawk for slicin' up stuff. Sweet.
-1991: Ponders the meaning of life for a while.
-1996: Emerges from literary obscurity with his second published work, the critically acclaimed What Individualism Can Do for Mankind.
1998: Destroys the entire earth in a powerful fit of sneezing; wakes up.
2000: Yells and screams.
2003: Eats the cherries off of the world's ice cream sundaes.
2004: Gets his kicks by pretending to be a girl my cousin knows named Lindsay and posting snide comments on my blog, landing himself in a king-sized heap of exposé.
So there you have it. The ugly truth. For the rest of you, beware of this pumpkin-kicking no-goodnik. For Iain... i've got my eye on you. ;P
