Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Some might, some might sell out on the birthrite...
Dear [name of student],
We here at [name of college] are totally sweet, and what's more, we continually strive to remain among the most awesome people in history. (When we say "awesome," we mean "really totally rad in every possible way.") In this process we sometimes, regrettably, surpass certain of our students' levels of awesomeness by leaps and bounds. This has recently become true in the case of you, [name of student], for whom we are now entirely too cool. We have examined several alternatives to completely blowing you off, such as upgrading your wardrobe to meet today's increasingly demanding standards and introducing you to some of the bands we like, but after heavy research in areas such as your family background, your acquaintances' opinions of you, embarrassing pictures of you as a baby, and love poems you wrote to that [girl/boy] you liked in fourth grade, we have determined that there is no way you will ever be as cool as us.
So what, exactly, does this mean for you and your academic future? While we, personally, don't give a crap, it remains in our best interest to track your progress and ensure your enrollment somewhere we can easily and conveniently make fun of you. In that spirit, we would like to recommend [names of three of four other, decidedly less awesome colleges], who are way unpopular and would gladly accept anyone willing to enroll with them. The nerds.
In short, we can't be seen with you anymore, and we want all our stuff back. But make sure there's no one around when you bring it to us. Better yet, just leave it in a box under your stupid desk, and we'll pick it up after school.
If you have any questions, contact our registrar, who is screening her calls for the likes of you.
Regards,
[First letter of the name of the college, followed by a hyphen and the word "money"]
Dear [name of student],
We here at [name of college] are totally sweet, and what's more, we continually strive to remain among the most awesome people in history. (When we say "awesome," we mean "really totally rad in every possible way.") In this process we sometimes, regrettably, surpass certain of our students' levels of awesomeness by leaps and bounds. This has recently become true in the case of you, [name of student], for whom we are now entirely too cool. We have examined several alternatives to completely blowing you off, such as upgrading your wardrobe to meet today's increasingly demanding standards and introducing you to some of the bands we like, but after heavy research in areas such as your family background, your acquaintances' opinions of you, embarrassing pictures of you as a baby, and love poems you wrote to that [girl/boy] you liked in fourth grade, we have determined that there is no way you will ever be as cool as us.
So what, exactly, does this mean for you and your academic future? While we, personally, don't give a crap, it remains in our best interest to track your progress and ensure your enrollment somewhere we can easily and conveniently make fun of you. In that spirit, we would like to recommend [names of three of four other, decidedly less awesome colleges], who are way unpopular and would gladly accept anyone willing to enroll with them. The nerds.
In short, we can't be seen with you anymore, and we want all our stuff back. But make sure there's no one around when you bring it to us. Better yet, just leave it in a box under your stupid desk, and we'll pick it up after school.
If you have any questions, contact our registrar, who is screening her calls for the likes of you.
Regards,
[First letter of the name of the college, followed by a hyphen and the word "money"]
