Friday, January 30, 2004
Rigatoni Awards Show
I get extra points, because it's still thursday for me, sort of.
So again i am going home for a week. I can almost guarantee you frequent posts this time, though, because... i'm into that sort of thing now.
Hey, here's a question i bet you haven't asked yourselves lately. We all learned to print around the time of first grade, and then moved on to bigger and more cursive things in third, right? So why are we still shelling out hundreds of dollars for machines that function, at best, at a second grade level, calligraphically speaking? That's right. Sitting right next to your very computer is, instead of a Cursifier - in all its gothically macabre-sounding sweetness - a mere Printer. Why would you pay perfectly good kindling-money for a big clunky machine like that when you or a younger sibling/cousin/grandchild/next-of-kin can realize a higher level of handwriting than these Printers have ever imagined? Hasn't this ever popped up in dinner conversation?
*fade into Britain*
"I say, old Hewlett's quite the chap, now isn't he?"
"Well, he is pleasant enough company... but I've begun to suspect he's something less than civilised."
"You don't say!"
"Oh, rather... it's his handwriting. I don't believe I've ever even seen him sign his name! I'm beginning to think he's only... you know... semi-literate."
*hushed British silences*
Now, by no means am I advocating discrimination in personal scribeship. To judge an individual based on his skills when considering him for a job is simply unforgivable. All I am saying is that perhaps Printers would be better suited for other professions, such as Golf Tee, or Concert Pianist, or Part-Time Bacon Ignorer. We're not doing them any favors, you know, by lying to them to boost their egos. One day the Cursifiers will come, and the Printers will recognize their own inferiority and weep bitterly that they never knew better. Would, rather, that they should find out now, from the people who love them, and be free to find their own niche while there is yet spirit in their toner cartridges. If you truly love your Printer (and deep down, beneath all the screams and hammer blows, I know you do), set it free. Once the initial heartbreak is through, and you've dried the saline from your cheek, you will both be happier for it.
Now all that remains is to find a third grader who's USB compatible.
I get extra points, because it's still thursday for me, sort of.
So again i am going home for a week. I can almost guarantee you frequent posts this time, though, because... i'm into that sort of thing now.
Hey, here's a question i bet you haven't asked yourselves lately. We all learned to print around the time of first grade, and then moved on to bigger and more cursive things in third, right? So why are we still shelling out hundreds of dollars for machines that function, at best, at a second grade level, calligraphically speaking? That's right. Sitting right next to your very computer is, instead of a Cursifier - in all its gothically macabre-sounding sweetness - a mere Printer. Why would you pay perfectly good kindling-money for a big clunky machine like that when you or a younger sibling/cousin/grandchild/next-of-kin can realize a higher level of handwriting than these Printers have ever imagined? Hasn't this ever popped up in dinner conversation?
*fade into Britain*
"I say, old Hewlett's quite the chap, now isn't he?"
"Well, he is pleasant enough company... but I've begun to suspect he's something less than civilised."
"You don't say!"
"Oh, rather... it's his handwriting. I don't believe I've ever even seen him sign his name! I'm beginning to think he's only... you know... semi-literate."
*hushed British silences*
Now, by no means am I advocating discrimination in personal scribeship. To judge an individual based on his skills when considering him for a job is simply unforgivable. All I am saying is that perhaps Printers would be better suited for other professions, such as Golf Tee, or Concert Pianist, or Part-Time Bacon Ignorer. We're not doing them any favors, you know, by lying to them to boost their egos. One day the Cursifiers will come, and the Printers will recognize their own inferiority and weep bitterly that they never knew better. Would, rather, that they should find out now, from the people who love them, and be free to find their own niche while there is yet spirit in their toner cartridges. If you truly love your Printer (and deep down, beneath all the screams and hammer blows, I know you do), set it free. Once the initial heartbreak is through, and you've dried the saline from your cheek, you will both be happier for it.
Now all that remains is to find a third grader who's USB compatible.
