Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Much to my sorrow it's Vladimir Horowitz...
--a song in an old piano lesson book i used to use. for some reason this line came to my mind today.
I am trying to exemplify one magazine-like quality every month in my blog. In December it was the "one-issue-per-month" quality. This month, and i know you've all guessed it already, it's going to be quizzes. Ridiculous quizzes that claim to help you determine some unknown information like Are You a Princess or Does Your Crush Have Fleas, but end up advising you to "trust your heart and renew your subscription." That's the theme of this month, and what a month it will be. First quiz begins in five pages.
*AD*
good-looking guy. good-looking girl. other good-looking girl. maybe a bottle of perfume somewhere illogical. underwear.
*AD 2*
replace 'bottle of perfume' with 'trendy malt beverage.' more underwear.
*AD 3*
soft dark-grey background. single wayfaring adjective, stranded forever in the harsh night of space. no one around to hear adjective scream. on the following page, the logo and name of the product who embodies the nomadic adjective. barely audible self-applause from makers of product.
*AD 4*
lots more good-looking girls. underwear. maybe.
*QUIZ*
Does your love life need a swift kick in the pants? Can it, for that matter, be anthropomorphized? Find out next time. Today: Are You Satan? (no cheating if you are. i know your reputation for honesty.)
Question 1: First thing in the morning, what do you do?
a) Invert sentences.
b) Watch 'The Late Show.'
c) Vicarious breakfast. Yum, I would think.
d) Prowl like a roaring lion, seeking whom I may devour.
Question 2: Your tail: what does it look like? Do you have one?
a) Not much. No.
b) I don't know, but i'm this close to catching it. Yes, I think.
c) Pink and curly. Oink.
d) Pointy, evil, red, and dishonest. No, I don't.
Question 3: What will you give me for my soul?
a) Err.. do you like raisins?
b) A claim ticket. Next, please.
c) White boy, you ain't got soul.
d) Your every desire, practically.
Question 4: When did you last go down to Georgia, and under what circumstances?
a) Midnight. On a train. For love. My world. His world. I got to go.
b) The time they had the Olympics there. I was the limbo-stick holder. That's an Olympic event, you know. Limbo-stick holding.
c) Never, but for some reason it's always on my mind. Crap was that predictable.
d) Once when I was looking for a soul to steal. I was in a bind, 'cause I was way behind, so I was willing to make a deal.
Question 5: You are a liar and the father of all lies. True or false?
a) False.
b) False.
c) Truish?
d) False. Mua ha ha.
Now tally up your scores. If you answered mostly 'a' or 'b' responses, you are not Satan, though in all likelihood you could be Stan. If you answered mostly 'c' responses, give yourself half a dumpling. If you answered mostly 'd' responses, you've got a lot of 'splaining to do, Luci. Congratulations on your newly discovered Satanhood. Tune in - er, sign on - er, wait around at your mailbox for the next beauty-tip-brimming issue of Freak Up Your Day Magazine. You ol' devil you.
--a song in an old piano lesson book i used to use. for some reason this line came to my mind today.
I am trying to exemplify one magazine-like quality every month in my blog. In December it was the "one-issue-per-month" quality. This month, and i know you've all guessed it already, it's going to be quizzes. Ridiculous quizzes that claim to help you determine some unknown information like Are You a Princess or Does Your Crush Have Fleas, but end up advising you to "trust your heart and renew your subscription." That's the theme of this month, and what a month it will be. First quiz begins in five pages.
*AD*
good-looking guy. good-looking girl. other good-looking girl. maybe a bottle of perfume somewhere illogical. underwear.
*AD 2*
replace 'bottle of perfume' with 'trendy malt beverage.' more underwear.
*AD 3*
soft dark-grey background. single wayfaring adjective, stranded forever in the harsh night of space. no one around to hear adjective scream. on the following page, the logo and name of the product who embodies the nomadic adjective. barely audible self-applause from makers of product.
*AD 4*
lots more good-looking girls. underwear. maybe.
*QUIZ*
Does your love life need a swift kick in the pants? Can it, for that matter, be anthropomorphized? Find out next time. Today: Are You Satan? (no cheating if you are. i know your reputation for honesty.)
Question 1: First thing in the morning, what do you do?
a) Invert sentences.
b) Watch 'The Late Show.'
c) Vicarious breakfast. Yum, I would think.
d) Prowl like a roaring lion, seeking whom I may devour.
Question 2: Your tail: what does it look like? Do you have one?
a) Not much. No.
b) I don't know, but i'm this close to catching it. Yes, I think.
c) Pink and curly. Oink.
d) Pointy, evil, red, and dishonest. No, I don't.
Question 3: What will you give me for my soul?
a) Err.. do you like raisins?
b) A claim ticket. Next, please.
c) White boy, you ain't got soul.
d) Your every desire, practically.
Question 4: When did you last go down to Georgia, and under what circumstances?
a) Midnight. On a train. For love. My world. His world. I got to go.
b) The time they had the Olympics there. I was the limbo-stick holder. That's an Olympic event, you know. Limbo-stick holding.
c) Never, but for some reason it's always on my mind. Crap was that predictable.
d) Once when I was looking for a soul to steal. I was in a bind, 'cause I was way behind, so I was willing to make a deal.
Question 5: You are a liar and the father of all lies. True or false?
a) False.
b) False.
c) Truish?
d) False. Mua ha ha.
Now tally up your scores. If you answered mostly 'a' or 'b' responses, you are not Satan, though in all likelihood you could be Stan. If you answered mostly 'c' responses, give yourself half a dumpling. If you answered mostly 'd' responses, you've got a lot of 'splaining to do, Luci. Congratulations on your newly discovered Satanhood. Tune in - er, sign on - er, wait around at your mailbox for the next beauty-tip-brimming issue of Freak Up Your Day Magazine. You ol' devil you.
