Wednesday, December 24, 2003
"So the sno-cone guy ran into the hot dog stand today." "Was anyone hurt?" "No, it was just a vendor-bender."
After weeks of intense research into the history of this particular section of December, I have come to the conclusion that 'tis the season to be jolly. Now that I have donned the appropriate apparel, I will bust open the old mailbag and proceed with the Holiday Edition (yes, I have to do Holiday Editions of everything) of Ask Bensaki(tm). And we will jingle all the way.
First letter:
Dear Bensaki,
I am a chestnut. While I fully accept the eventuality that I will be roasted upon an open fire, I wish to make it known that I have been roasted once before, a fact that has sadly escaped the folks dressed up like Eskimos (Inuit people). I do not wish to undergo a second roasting, and I implore your advice on avoiding such an unnecessary and painful proceeding. My gratitude is politely extended to you.
In good faith,
Chester the Unfortunately Named Nut
Dear Chester,
As everybody knows, a turkey and some mistletoe help to make the season bright. They do not, unfortunately, help the situation of a preroasted chestnut. You may just have to take one for the team. However, I have heard that chestnuts possess immense chest capacities. If you were to temporarily inhale a vast amount of egg nog, perhaps you could douse the open fire. Best of luck, and happy holidays.
Bensaki
P.S: Who knows, maybe they misheard the lyrics and will accidentally toast you with an open bottle of champagne? It happened to me once. Except when I misheard the lyrics, they were "Chestnuts boasting of an opening in the fire department staff." Don't ask me why.
Second letter:
Dear Bensaki,
We wish you a merry Christmas. We wish you a merry Christmas. We wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy new year. Now bring us some figgy pudding. Now bring us some figgy pudding. Now bring us some figgy pudding, and bring it out here.
Sincerely,
Carol Ers
P.S: Take this as fair warning: We won't go until we get some.
Dear Carol,
Would you settle for some bean dip? Would you settle for some bean dip? Would you settle for some bean dip, or a can of root beer? My cat ate the figgy pudding. My cat ate the figgy pudding. My cat ate the figgy pudding, and she puked in my ear.
Merrily,
Bensaki
Third letter:
Dear Bensaki,
We have met on several occasions before. I am the Ghost of Bad Christmas Jokes. Unlike Ebenezer Scrooge, you have failed to learn your lesson. Year after year, you continue to make wisecracks about decking halls, feasts of Stephen, and that blasted ever-present figgy pudding. Nobody needs more Christmas puns. This year must be the last that you festoon your surroundings with the sounds of horrendous wordplay, or I will personally drop you down the longest chimney I can find.
Menacingly,
The Ghost of Bad Christmas Jokes
Dear GBCJ,
You don't frighten me. I let nothing me dismay. There's no fa la la la law against bad jokes anyway. Where's your Christmas spirit? Drop me down a chimney if you must, but I warn you: You'd better watch out. I don't believe I need to tell you why.
Bensaki
P.S: In the meadow I can build a snowman. Let's pretend that he's a spiteful ghost. We'll construct a fire for Mr. Snowman. And this one won't need chestnuts for a roast. Muwa ha ha.
***
That brings us to the end of today's festivities. The Christmas jokes will never stop, as long as I have anything to say about it. Merry Christmas, everyone, and keep it on the holly jolly.
After weeks of intense research into the history of this particular section of December, I have come to the conclusion that 'tis the season to be jolly. Now that I have donned the appropriate apparel, I will bust open the old mailbag and proceed with the Holiday Edition (yes, I have to do Holiday Editions of everything) of Ask Bensaki(tm). And we will jingle all the way.
First letter:
Dear Bensaki,
I am a chestnut. While I fully accept the eventuality that I will be roasted upon an open fire, I wish to make it known that I have been roasted once before, a fact that has sadly escaped the folks dressed up like Eskimos (Inuit people). I do not wish to undergo a second roasting, and I implore your advice on avoiding such an unnecessary and painful proceeding. My gratitude is politely extended to you.
In good faith,
Chester the Unfortunately Named Nut
Dear Chester,
As everybody knows, a turkey and some mistletoe help to make the season bright. They do not, unfortunately, help the situation of a preroasted chestnut. You may just have to take one for the team. However, I have heard that chestnuts possess immense chest capacities. If you were to temporarily inhale a vast amount of egg nog, perhaps you could douse the open fire. Best of luck, and happy holidays.
Bensaki
P.S: Who knows, maybe they misheard the lyrics and will accidentally toast you with an open bottle of champagne? It happened to me once. Except when I misheard the lyrics, they were "Chestnuts boasting of an opening in the fire department staff." Don't ask me why.
Second letter:
Dear Bensaki,
We wish you a merry Christmas. We wish you a merry Christmas. We wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy new year. Now bring us some figgy pudding. Now bring us some figgy pudding. Now bring us some figgy pudding, and bring it out here.
Sincerely,
Carol Ers
P.S: Take this as fair warning: We won't go until we get some.
Dear Carol,
Would you settle for some bean dip? Would you settle for some bean dip? Would you settle for some bean dip, or a can of root beer? My cat ate the figgy pudding. My cat ate the figgy pudding. My cat ate the figgy pudding, and she puked in my ear.
Merrily,
Bensaki
Third letter:
Dear Bensaki,
We have met on several occasions before. I am the Ghost of Bad Christmas Jokes. Unlike Ebenezer Scrooge, you have failed to learn your lesson. Year after year, you continue to make wisecracks about decking halls, feasts of Stephen, and that blasted ever-present figgy pudding. Nobody needs more Christmas puns. This year must be the last that you festoon your surroundings with the sounds of horrendous wordplay, or I will personally drop you down the longest chimney I can find.
Menacingly,
The Ghost of Bad Christmas Jokes
Dear GBCJ,
You don't frighten me. I let nothing me dismay. There's no fa la la la law against bad jokes anyway. Where's your Christmas spirit? Drop me down a chimney if you must, but I warn you: You'd better watch out. I don't believe I need to tell you why.
Bensaki
P.S: In the meadow I can build a snowman. Let's pretend that he's a spiteful ghost. We'll construct a fire for Mr. Snowman. And this one won't need chestnuts for a roast. Muwa ha ha.
***
That brings us to the end of today's festivities. The Christmas jokes will never stop, as long as I have anything to say about it. Merry Christmas, everyone, and keep it on the holly jolly.
