Tuesday, December 02, 2003
I took the email.. to the market.. and I bought it some kind of fish sauce..
(title brought to you by the baddest Strong around)
Wow. Finally, a new post. It's been like a week. That's ridiculous. I apologize. Still waiting on that collaboration, but for now I think I have enough freakage up my sleeve to freak up one day. And maybe even... TWO days! Whoa...
So I finally figured out the problem with rotting flowers. They're DEAD. If they were alive, they probably wouldn't be rotting. I guess I should have figured that out a long time ago, but really, you never stop learning, even when your brain gets eaten. It's true.
I'll give you an example: There was a guy I used to know who didn't know that bacon was made of meat. He thought he was a vegetarian. He used to go over to friends' houses on the Festival of St. Bacon for the traditional scrumptious feast, and they would be all surprised and say, "Hey, I thought you didn't eat bacon." Then he would recoil with equal surprise and respond, "Me? Not eat bacon? Think you? Why, the very idea reduces me to sentence fragments!" So they would just assume he had recanted his vegetarian ways, and they wouldn't pursue the issue. So he never found out about the bacon thing. But then one day he was hanging out in the dog food aisle at the grocery store, when an alien walked up to him and ate his brain. It was ironic, because the alien thought he was a vegetarian too. But like I said before, you never stop learning. This guy looked down at a box of fake bacon (facon?) that dogs supposedly fall for because they think it's real. The box said "Contains no meat" and the guy thought, "Well, of course it contains no meat. Real bacon doesn't even... ohhhhhhh." He was pretty sharp for a guy whose brain had just been eaten.
Then there was a girl I knew back in kindergarten. She always insisted that glue sticks were "the bananas of the future." The rest of us tried to set her straight, but the more she ate, the less receptive her mind was to reasonable thought. Finally, she learned a lesson I would remember for the rest of my life. Old-fashioned bananas may not be futuristic, but at least they don't stick your hand to the inside of your mouth and fertilize a new civilization of fungus.
Finally, I once knew an older fellow who had learned something new every day of his life. He wrote down each day's lesson in a book, then sold the book to me so I could benefit from his years of wisdom. And I'll tell you what: I certainly did learn a lot of helpful things. Several thousand helpful things. I'll tell you the first ten lessons I learned, in the order I learned them, and you should be able to figure out the rest.
1. Never eat anything in the refrigerator that reminds you of your childhood.
2. Never eat anything in the refrigerator that reminds you of your childhood.
3. Never eat anything in the refrigerator that reminds you of your childhood.
4. Never eat anything in the refrigerator that reminds you of your childhood.
5. A book entitled What I Learned Today by a man with short-term memory loss is not worth your money.
6. Never eat anything in the refrigerator that reminds you of your childhood.
7. Never eat anything in the refrigerator that reminds you of your childhood.
8. Never eat anything in the refrigerator that reminds you of your childhood.
9. Never eat anything in the refrigerator that reminds you of your childhood.
10. Never eat anything in the refrigerator that reminds you of your childhood.
So you see, it's true. You never stop learning, even if your brain has been eaten. Or if you keep on eating the same leftover brain you've had sitting around since you were a kid. Or if you can't stop talking about brains getting eaten. Stay in school, kids. Don't let your brain get eaten.
(title brought to you by the baddest Strong around)
Wow. Finally, a new post. It's been like a week. That's ridiculous. I apologize. Still waiting on that collaboration, but for now I think I have enough freakage up my sleeve to freak up one day. And maybe even... TWO days! Whoa...
So I finally figured out the problem with rotting flowers. They're DEAD. If they were alive, they probably wouldn't be rotting. I guess I should have figured that out a long time ago, but really, you never stop learning, even when your brain gets eaten. It's true.
I'll give you an example: There was a guy I used to know who didn't know that bacon was made of meat. He thought he was a vegetarian. He used to go over to friends' houses on the Festival of St. Bacon for the traditional scrumptious feast, and they would be all surprised and say, "Hey, I thought you didn't eat bacon." Then he would recoil with equal surprise and respond, "Me? Not eat bacon? Think you? Why, the very idea reduces me to sentence fragments!" So they would just assume he had recanted his vegetarian ways, and they wouldn't pursue the issue. So he never found out about the bacon thing. But then one day he was hanging out in the dog food aisle at the grocery store, when an alien walked up to him and ate his brain. It was ironic, because the alien thought he was a vegetarian too. But like I said before, you never stop learning. This guy looked down at a box of fake bacon (facon?) that dogs supposedly fall for because they think it's real. The box said "Contains no meat" and the guy thought, "Well, of course it contains no meat. Real bacon doesn't even... ohhhhhhh." He was pretty sharp for a guy whose brain had just been eaten.
Then there was a girl I knew back in kindergarten. She always insisted that glue sticks were "the bananas of the future." The rest of us tried to set her straight, but the more she ate, the less receptive her mind was to reasonable thought. Finally, she learned a lesson I would remember for the rest of my life. Old-fashioned bananas may not be futuristic, but at least they don't stick your hand to the inside of your mouth and fertilize a new civilization of fungus.
Finally, I once knew an older fellow who had learned something new every day of his life. He wrote down each day's lesson in a book, then sold the book to me so I could benefit from his years of wisdom. And I'll tell you what: I certainly did learn a lot of helpful things. Several thousand helpful things. I'll tell you the first ten lessons I learned, in the order I learned them, and you should be able to figure out the rest.
1. Never eat anything in the refrigerator that reminds you of your childhood.
2. Never eat anything in the refrigerator that reminds you of your childhood.
3. Never eat anything in the refrigerator that reminds you of your childhood.
4. Never eat anything in the refrigerator that reminds you of your childhood.
5. A book entitled What I Learned Today by a man with short-term memory loss is not worth your money.
6. Never eat anything in the refrigerator that reminds you of your childhood.
7. Never eat anything in the refrigerator that reminds you of your childhood.
8. Never eat anything in the refrigerator that reminds you of your childhood.
9. Never eat anything in the refrigerator that reminds you of your childhood.
10. Never eat anything in the refrigerator that reminds you of your childhood.
So you see, it's true. You never stop learning, even if your brain has been eaten. Or if you keep on eating the same leftover brain you've had sitting around since you were a kid. Or if you can't stop talking about brains getting eaten. Stay in school, kids. Don't let your brain get eaten.
