Monday, November 10, 2003
See no evil, hear no evil, freak no evil.
In honor of the Vikings, who were awesome (not the football team, just the medieval pillaging maniacs), i hereby instate this very first edition of a little segment i like to call "It Would Rule If..." wherein i list off a bunch of fictional events which, brought magically into the realm of reality, would rule. I'm not even gonna bother talking about it any more, because i'm just so excited for this thing to start. You understand. Wait, i'm not sure if you do understand. Let me give you an example, before we get started. Close your eyes and imagine a world far away, where the trees are made of sausages and all the people... psssh, forget it. Let's just start the list.
It would rule if...
-i were a Viking.
-my hair were floor-length and made of braided cowhide, so i could headbang and whip people.
-Inspector Gadget were actually Inspector A Huge Sumo Wrestler, so he could say "Go go Gadget Crush-The-Entire-Population-Of-Luxembourg-In-One-Swift-Belly-Flop." Actually, that would be a bit loquacioius.
-sheep were made of tater tots. Enough said.
-Napoleon were alive today, so i could make fun of him.
-sexiness came in a can, and i had a can opener.
-all my Tuna Applesauce Chardonnay Gravy Crumbcake Biscuit Falafel Mayonnaise Tomato Cheesecake recipes didn't end up tasting so fishy.
-Richard Simmons were alive today, so i could make fun of him.
-coffee filters could double as surgical masks, parachutes, or silly hats in an emergency.
-i were the proud owner of a Super-Deluxe Punching Bag, instead of the ashamed owner of a Super-Ordinary Grocery Bag.
-they could capture the sweet, sweet aroma of victory on video cassette.
-i had a sponge cake.
There's the list. It would rule if you would come back tomorrow and read whatever foolishness i make up next. Better yet, if you were a Genie of the Lamp and would just make that whole list come true already. That counts as one wish.
In honor of the Vikings, who were awesome (not the football team, just the medieval pillaging maniacs), i hereby instate this very first edition of a little segment i like to call "It Would Rule If..." wherein i list off a bunch of fictional events which, brought magically into the realm of reality, would rule. I'm not even gonna bother talking about it any more, because i'm just so excited for this thing to start. You understand. Wait, i'm not sure if you do understand. Let me give you an example, before we get started. Close your eyes and imagine a world far away, where the trees are made of sausages and all the people... psssh, forget it. Let's just start the list.
It would rule if...
-i were a Viking.
-my hair were floor-length and made of braided cowhide, so i could headbang and whip people.
-Inspector Gadget were actually Inspector A Huge Sumo Wrestler, so he could say "Go go Gadget Crush-The-Entire-Population-Of-Luxembourg-In-One-Swift-Belly-Flop." Actually, that would be a bit loquacioius.
-sheep were made of tater tots. Enough said.
-Napoleon were alive today, so i could make fun of him.
-sexiness came in a can, and i had a can opener.
-all my Tuna Applesauce Chardonnay Gravy Crumbcake Biscuit Falafel Mayonnaise Tomato Cheesecake recipes didn't end up tasting so fishy.
-Richard Simmons were alive today, so i could make fun of him.
-coffee filters could double as surgical masks, parachutes, or silly hats in an emergency.
-i were the proud owner of a Super-Deluxe Punching Bag, instead of the ashamed owner of a Super-Ordinary Grocery Bag.
-they could capture the sweet, sweet aroma of victory on video cassette.
-i had a sponge cake.
There's the list. It would rule if you would come back tomorrow and read whatever foolishness i make up next. Better yet, if you were a Genie of the Lamp and would just make that whole list come true already. That counts as one wish.
