Sunday, November 16, 2003
Michael Anne Jell-O®
Good evening, and welcome to some stuff. (Allergy information: Some of the stuff contains nuts. Most of the stuff is nuts. All of the stuff will cause you to go nuts.) I found this stuff on the sidewalk earlier this millenium, and i wasn't sure what it was, so i brought it in to my local library. Since the librarian would not let me check out a book with the stuff, i deduced that it was not a library card. That narrowed it down a lot. I then busted out my very own actual library card, and i checked out three books: Stuffonomy: Collecting and Identifying Stuffs and Stuff-related Items, Five Million and One Easy Cheesy Recipeesies, and The Butcher's Guide to Multi-Variable Calculus. These three books took me the better part of a lunch hour to skim through and decide that i didn't want anymore, and by that time the stuff was getting pretty temperamental and smelly. I didn't want to take this stuff on any more field trips to libraries and art museums than i had to, so i decided to end the excursion and ask the one man i knew could tell me the true identity of the stuff: my longtime friend and feudal lord, the Duke of Stuff. His castle in Thingsburg was a mere 87-hour plane flight from downtown Youarehere, MN, so i was there in no time.
"Most loyal Bensaki," quoth the Duke of Stuff, "have you brought me fresh walnuts and pheasant from yon field as a tribute to my luminescent majesty and striking jowl tattoos?"
"Your gracious dukeness, i have not. I purchased you two of the finest, freshest pheasants my fief could afford the day before last; one from Denmark, one from the Czech Republic. The Danish pheasant is at my summer home in northern Greenland; the Czech is in the mail."
"Very well then, Bensaki. What then is this stuff you bring before me?"
"O radiant dukosity, shining with the light of a thousand earls and a couple hair dryers, i have brought before your elegant dukeliness this stuff in hopes that you might bestow upon me the knowledge of its nature and origin."
"Grant me but a look at yon stuff, and I shall divine its true nature from my measureless stores of wisdom."
"A million thanks, o gracious duke. Duke, beyond rebuke. Duke, too brave to spook. Duke, who has to puke."
"Now listen well, gentle subject, and knowledge shall be yours. Behold the very stuff that you have carried from afar, and know that it is none other than seven-month-old taco dip, infested with fierce legions of the microscopic plague, and radiating a faint glow. Be wise, my son, and touch not the stuff of whose origin thou dost be unsure."
Remembering the measures i had taken back on the plane when my in-flight meal just wasn't enough, i fainted dead on the spot.
This story speaks for itself.
Good evening, and welcome to some stuff. (Allergy information: Some of the stuff contains nuts. Most of the stuff is nuts. All of the stuff will cause you to go nuts.) I found this stuff on the sidewalk earlier this millenium, and i wasn't sure what it was, so i brought it in to my local library. Since the librarian would not let me check out a book with the stuff, i deduced that it was not a library card. That narrowed it down a lot. I then busted out my very own actual library card, and i checked out three books: Stuffonomy: Collecting and Identifying Stuffs and Stuff-related Items, Five Million and One Easy Cheesy Recipeesies, and The Butcher's Guide to Multi-Variable Calculus. These three books took me the better part of a lunch hour to skim through and decide that i didn't want anymore, and by that time the stuff was getting pretty temperamental and smelly. I didn't want to take this stuff on any more field trips to libraries and art museums than i had to, so i decided to end the excursion and ask the one man i knew could tell me the true identity of the stuff: my longtime friend and feudal lord, the Duke of Stuff. His castle in Thingsburg was a mere 87-hour plane flight from downtown Youarehere, MN, so i was there in no time.
"Most loyal Bensaki," quoth the Duke of Stuff, "have you brought me fresh walnuts and pheasant from yon field as a tribute to my luminescent majesty and striking jowl tattoos?"
"Your gracious dukeness, i have not. I purchased you two of the finest, freshest pheasants my fief could afford the day before last; one from Denmark, one from the Czech Republic. The Danish pheasant is at my summer home in northern Greenland; the Czech is in the mail."
"Very well then, Bensaki. What then is this stuff you bring before me?"
"O radiant dukosity, shining with the light of a thousand earls and a couple hair dryers, i have brought before your elegant dukeliness this stuff in hopes that you might bestow upon me the knowledge of its nature and origin."
"Grant me but a look at yon stuff, and I shall divine its true nature from my measureless stores of wisdom."
"A million thanks, o gracious duke. Duke, beyond rebuke. Duke, too brave to spook. Duke, who has to puke."
"Now listen well, gentle subject, and knowledge shall be yours. Behold the very stuff that you have carried from afar, and know that it is none other than seven-month-old taco dip, infested with fierce legions of the microscopic plague, and radiating a faint glow. Be wise, my son, and touch not the stuff of whose origin thou dost be unsure."
Remembering the measures i had taken back on the plane when my in-flight meal just wasn't enough, i fainted dead on the spot.
This story speaks for itself.
