Thursday, November 06, 2003
I will NOT give in and start calling it Din-Din. I will NOT give in and start calling it Din-Din. I will NOT give in and start calling it Din-Din.
We here at Bensaki International are always striving to bring you the freakiest of days, regardless of rain, sleet, snow, terriers, the Mafia, pop-punk bands, pedestrians, Mikhail Gorbachev, tainted pork, or the number 56. Like the United States Postal Service, we deliver. Not only do we deliver, but on occasions when our surgical department deems it necessary, we de-liver as well. In order to serve you better and achieve maximum freakocity, i just now made up this little survey. ("freakocity": n. 1. the degree to which a day is freaked up. 2. a city inhabited by freakos.) Here, without many extraneous adverbs, needless tangents, or ado, is my sparkling survey.
Question 1: How freaked up would you say your current day is?
a) Pretty freaked up, but not to the level where i'm inventing new ways to put meat on a stick or anything.
b) Hardly freaked up at all. I'm eating unbuttered toast and listening to talk radio here.
c) So freaked up that i just made a statue of a crocodile out of alligators! Wow!
Question (actually, more of a request, really) 2: Describe a typical prank that you pull on a classmate/coworker/creepy zookeeper.
a) Dish detergent in the hair. For weeks ensuing, taunts of "Lemony-Fresh Head" echo through the hallways. It's great.
b) I pull the old "tell them that the garbage can is on the right-hand side of the desk when in actuality it is on the left-hand side of the desk" trick. Gets 'em every time.
c) I wait until their back is turned, then i smite 'em with the enchanted Rod of Eternal Pork Juice Cravings! BAM!
Question 3: If you had a mere one complaint about this blog, what would it be?
a) There's no free stuff. Free toilet paper would be pretty cool. I can't believe they put another embargo on that stuff. What's next, a blowing-your-nose tax?
b) Um... it sucks. Really.... really really bad.
c) My only complaint is that i can't get this blog wired directly into my head like some sort of bionic robot man. And that i don't have some Kung Pao chicken.
Question 4: You're not Matt Zimmerman, are you? Because he's not allowed to take this survey.
a) No! Who is Matt Zimmerman?
b) That's Matt Zimmerbloke, and... oh, i guess i just blew it. Typical Matt Zimmerman style.
c) Bloke. That guy cracks me up. (... because he's a nerd.)
Question 5: How could i possibly improve the freakocity of your personal day?
a) If only i had some hot home decor tips...
b) You could refer me to a freaking professional, so my day could be freaked by someone who KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING.
c) The only possible way to make my day freakier would be to rub down a live raccoon with lard and set him loose in my oversized ruffly pirate shirt! I'm freaked beyond all control!
And thus ends my surveyest of surveys. If you answered mostly "a" responses, i will address your concerns in the near future. If you answered mostly "c" responses, you are the awesomest. If you answered mostly "b" responses or are, in fact, Matt Zimmerman, go and buy an exploding toothbrush and follow all directions carefully.
We here at Bensaki International are always striving to bring you the freakiest of days, regardless of rain, sleet, snow, terriers, the Mafia, pop-punk bands, pedestrians, Mikhail Gorbachev, tainted pork, or the number 56. Like the United States Postal Service, we deliver. Not only do we deliver, but on occasions when our surgical department deems it necessary, we de-liver as well. In order to serve you better and achieve maximum freakocity, i just now made up this little survey. ("freakocity": n. 1. the degree to which a day is freaked up. 2. a city inhabited by freakos.) Here, without many extraneous adverbs, needless tangents, or ado, is my sparkling survey.
Question 1: How freaked up would you say your current day is?
a) Pretty freaked up, but not to the level where i'm inventing new ways to put meat on a stick or anything.
b) Hardly freaked up at all. I'm eating unbuttered toast and listening to talk radio here.
c) So freaked up that i just made a statue of a crocodile out of alligators! Wow!
Question (actually, more of a request, really) 2: Describe a typical prank that you pull on a classmate/coworker/creepy zookeeper.
a) Dish detergent in the hair. For weeks ensuing, taunts of "Lemony-Fresh Head" echo through the hallways. It's great.
b) I pull the old "tell them that the garbage can is on the right-hand side of the desk when in actuality it is on the left-hand side of the desk" trick. Gets 'em every time.
c) I wait until their back is turned, then i smite 'em with the enchanted Rod of Eternal Pork Juice Cravings! BAM!
Question 3: If you had a mere one complaint about this blog, what would it be?
a) There's no free stuff. Free toilet paper would be pretty cool. I can't believe they put another embargo on that stuff. What's next, a blowing-your-nose tax?
b) Um... it sucks. Really.... really really bad.
c) My only complaint is that i can't get this blog wired directly into my head like some sort of bionic robot man. And that i don't have some Kung Pao chicken.
Question 4: You're not Matt Zimmerman, are you? Because he's not allowed to take this survey.
a) No! Who is Matt Zimmerman?
b) That's Matt Zimmerbloke, and... oh, i guess i just blew it. Typical Matt Zimmerman style.
c) Bloke. That guy cracks me up. (... because he's a nerd.)
Question 5: How could i possibly improve the freakocity of your personal day?
a) If only i had some hot home decor tips...
b) You could refer me to a freaking professional, so my day could be freaked by someone who KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING.
c) The only possible way to make my day freakier would be to rub down a live raccoon with lard and set him loose in my oversized ruffly pirate shirt! I'm freaked beyond all control!
And thus ends my surveyest of surveys. If you answered mostly "a" responses, i will address your concerns in the near future. If you answered mostly "c" responses, you are the awesomest. If you answered mostly "b" responses or are, in fact, Matt Zimmerman, go and buy an exploding toothbrush and follow all directions carefully.
