Saturday, October 04, 2003
When did the french fries start tasting like potatoes?
Wow. I feel like all my life has just been in anticipation of today's post. Like before today, i was just making milkshakes out of wood shavings from the bottom of a hamster cage with a wooden spoon in a mayonnaise jar, and today i'm tasting real ice cream in all its non-diseased splendor. I don't know what they slipped in my diet bottled water with just a hint of jasmine today, but i feel like i could conquer the world! Give me a spatula, and with it i will lift the hearts of the entire nation! Then i will turn them over, drop them back into the frying pan, lightly brown them for an additional three and a half minutes, and serve warm with butter and head cheese. Today's post will be utterly invincible, the Ultra-Strong Titanium Post of the Future. If you take a power drill to this post, it will drive back the bit, jam the apparatus, and make the whole thing explode. That's not just quality engineering -- that's day-freaking precision like you've never seen before.
Oh, i know what you're thinking now. You're thinking "He's just going to go on for a paragraph or two about how great today's post is, without actually ever getting to the post." I can just hear the voice of Isral now: "Dude... when are we going to get a real live actual post here?!? All these descriptions about how much non-existant posts rule and speak of why you couldn't complete the post... I NEED SOLIDITY!!!!" So lifelike, that voice of Isral... as if he were actually talking to me... on a speakerphone, through a walkie-talkie, via translator, from Inner Mongolia. Well, fear not, my friends! Today, i will not just sit around and brag about how great today's post is... how it could beat all the major presidential candidates in a debate/beauty pageant... how it can dispense nacho cheese from its fingertips... how the mere sight of its smile spawned a multi-million-selling hit record by some pop singer... NO! Such things are behind me now. Also behind me: a giant, Ultra-Strong Titanium Post of the Future who is threatening me with a power drill and demanding his freedom. I'm gonna have to go now.
Wow. I feel like all my life has just been in anticipation of today's post. Like before today, i was just making milkshakes out of wood shavings from the bottom of a hamster cage with a wooden spoon in a mayonnaise jar, and today i'm tasting real ice cream in all its non-diseased splendor. I don't know what they slipped in my diet bottled water with just a hint of jasmine today, but i feel like i could conquer the world! Give me a spatula, and with it i will lift the hearts of the entire nation! Then i will turn them over, drop them back into the frying pan, lightly brown them for an additional three and a half minutes, and serve warm with butter and head cheese. Today's post will be utterly invincible, the Ultra-Strong Titanium Post of the Future. If you take a power drill to this post, it will drive back the bit, jam the apparatus, and make the whole thing explode. That's not just quality engineering -- that's day-freaking precision like you've never seen before.
Oh, i know what you're thinking now. You're thinking "He's just going to go on for a paragraph or two about how great today's post is, without actually ever getting to the post." I can just hear the voice of Isral now: "Dude... when are we going to get a real live actual post here?!? All these descriptions about how much non-existant posts rule and speak of why you couldn't complete the post... I NEED SOLIDITY!!!!" So lifelike, that voice of Isral... as if he were actually talking to me... on a speakerphone, through a walkie-talkie, via translator, from Inner Mongolia. Well, fear not, my friends! Today, i will not just sit around and brag about how great today's post is... how it could beat all the major presidential candidates in a debate/beauty pageant... how it can dispense nacho cheese from its fingertips... how the mere sight of its smile spawned a multi-million-selling hit record by some pop singer... NO! Such things are behind me now. Also behind me: a giant, Ultra-Strong Titanium Post of the Future who is threatening me with a power drill and demanding his freedom. I'm gonna have to go now.
