Saturday, October 25, 2003
There may be flies on some of you guys, but there ain't no flies on me. As a consolation, however, there IS a potentially fatal head wound on me.
When i say "freak up your day," i'm not just saying it. I'm typing it too. And i'm not just typing it, either. I'm sort of whispering it to myself so i don't forget what i'm supposed to be typing. It's no lie. I spend a lot of time and energy remembering this little four-word phrase, the essence of why i write. I'm like one of those dumb fast-food restaurants that spends millions in advertising to convince you of its commitment to quality, so that it has no money or energy left to invest in actual quality. Yes, that metaphor pretty much sums up my methods. I'm like the Emperor's New Clothes of websites. All the hype, none of the content. And that's a promise.
So i stepped in some cotton by accident the other day. I was just walking along, picking branches off trees for my modern art project, "A Bird's Nest The Size Of Cleveland," (the beauty of the name lies in its straightforward simplicity) when my foot hit a little piece of Dixieland right here in Minnesota. I stopped right in my tracks and thought, "Hey! What's that i'm feeling underneath my feet? Why, it's as soft as... as... what is there besides gravel?" This stuff was way softer than gravel. It was so good, i had to eat a live scorpion just to make sure i wasn't dreaming. (to be honest, as good as the cotton was, i wished i had been dreaming after eating that scorpion. i should have just pinched myself or something instead. stupid.) Immediately, i knew i had to share this feeling, this feeling so fantastic, with everybody! The entire world must know my joy! And this is how i'm going to do it: Instead of paving the entire earth with cotton, which was my original idea and turned out to have logistical problems, i'm going to make foot coverings out of cotton and give them to everyone to wear! It'll be like you're walking on cotton all of the time! Amazing! I'm going to call them Söks®, after me, Bensöki (as it was spelled in the original Egyptian hieroglyphics.) Give me a call and i'll make sure you are among the first insanely lucky people to try them. Wow, i'm going to be a zillionaire.
When i say "freak up your day," i'm not just saying it. I'm typing it too. And i'm not just typing it, either. I'm sort of whispering it to myself so i don't forget what i'm supposed to be typing. It's no lie. I spend a lot of time and energy remembering this little four-word phrase, the essence of why i write. I'm like one of those dumb fast-food restaurants that spends millions in advertising to convince you of its commitment to quality, so that it has no money or energy left to invest in actual quality. Yes, that metaphor pretty much sums up my methods. I'm like the Emperor's New Clothes of websites. All the hype, none of the content. And that's a promise.
So i stepped in some cotton by accident the other day. I was just walking along, picking branches off trees for my modern art project, "A Bird's Nest The Size Of Cleveland," (the beauty of the name lies in its straightforward simplicity) when my foot hit a little piece of Dixieland right here in Minnesota. I stopped right in my tracks and thought, "Hey! What's that i'm feeling underneath my feet? Why, it's as soft as... as... what is there besides gravel?" This stuff was way softer than gravel. It was so good, i had to eat a live scorpion just to make sure i wasn't dreaming. (to be honest, as good as the cotton was, i wished i had been dreaming after eating that scorpion. i should have just pinched myself or something instead. stupid.) Immediately, i knew i had to share this feeling, this feeling so fantastic, with everybody! The entire world must know my joy! And this is how i'm going to do it: Instead of paving the entire earth with cotton, which was my original idea and turned out to have logistical problems, i'm going to make foot coverings out of cotton and give them to everyone to wear! It'll be like you're walking on cotton all of the time! Amazing! I'm going to call them Söks®, after me, Bensöki (as it was spelled in the original Egyptian hieroglyphics.) Give me a call and i'll make sure you are among the first insanely lucky people to try them. Wow, i'm going to be a zillionaire.
