Friday, October 31, 2003
Meet my Irish cousin, Hal O'Ween
Nobody knows where the fingernail clippers came from. A handful of people used to know, but they have all lost their memories now, as a result of a tragic incident involving me punching them all in the head over and over so they wouldn't spoil the secret. Now, sadly, nobody knows where the fingernail clippers came from, and thus, i have fodder for another of my phony histories. This one might be fun.
In medieval times, men had trouble getting dates with women because their long fingernails made them look like girls. This caused a sharp decline in reproduction, and the population decreased by the millions throughout Europe. (This phenomenon was later nicknamed the "Black Plague," after the color of the unwashed fingernails.) Something had to be done. Enter the great physicist Albert Einstein, who realized early on in his career that the medieval depopulation of Europe would be responsible for the extinction of the human race in the year 1982. Using his Relatively Theoretical Theory of Relativity, as well as a lesser known principle known as the Bill and Ted Postulate, he traveled back in time and bestowed the Golden Clipper of Fingernails upon Carolus Magnus, King of the Franks and First Holy Roman Emperor. Unable to overcome the language barrier, they communicated through gestures and charades, the highlight of which was Charlemagne's flawless portrayal of Willy Wonka. The time came for them to say farewell, and so they did. Several sentences later in the story, the world was saved, and mercifully allowed to live through the magic that was Boy George.
That's all for now. Those who do not freak up history will be doomed to repeat it.
Nobody knows where the fingernail clippers came from. A handful of people used to know, but they have all lost their memories now, as a result of a tragic incident involving me punching them all in the head over and over so they wouldn't spoil the secret. Now, sadly, nobody knows where the fingernail clippers came from, and thus, i have fodder for another of my phony histories. This one might be fun.
In medieval times, men had trouble getting dates with women because their long fingernails made them look like girls. This caused a sharp decline in reproduction, and the population decreased by the millions throughout Europe. (This phenomenon was later nicknamed the "Black Plague," after the color of the unwashed fingernails.) Something had to be done. Enter the great physicist Albert Einstein, who realized early on in his career that the medieval depopulation of Europe would be responsible for the extinction of the human race in the year 1982. Using his Relatively Theoretical Theory of Relativity, as well as a lesser known principle known as the Bill and Ted Postulate, he traveled back in time and bestowed the Golden Clipper of Fingernails upon Carolus Magnus, King of the Franks and First Holy Roman Emperor. Unable to overcome the language barrier, they communicated through gestures and charades, the highlight of which was Charlemagne's flawless portrayal of Willy Wonka. The time came for them to say farewell, and so they did. Several sentences later in the story, the world was saved, and mercifully allowed to live through the magic that was Boy George.
That's all for now. Those who do not freak up history will be doomed to repeat it.
