Wednesday, October 29, 2003
I know how to use toilet paper! Let me try!
(today's title brought to you by arguably the best halloween cartoon to date)
Welcome to the first and, so far, only edition of Ask Bensaki®, an advice column in which people disguised as other people ask me embarrassing questions that they wouldn't want their friends to know they're wondering about. I never reveal the names of my readers to anyone else, but i do have a pretty good laugh at their expense myself. In that spirit, here is my first letter:
Dear Ask Bensaki®,
I have a problem, but I can't decide whether this problem is "haunting" me or "plaguing" me. Please help me find the right wording for my letter to an actual advice column.
Yours truly,
John McMade-UpName
Dearest John,
Yes, the old "haunting" vs. "plaguing" question. Which word to use? This depends on the nature of the problem. If the problem is a ghost, then i'd say it's haunting you. A rat? Pretty safe bet it's plaguing you. But what if it's something more abstract than that? Simple: you use the rule of association. Say, for example, you're a really nice, likeable guy, yet everybody's mean to you and you have no friends. Same thing happened to Casper, the Friendly Ghost. Ergo, the problem is haunting you. Or, say you have plenty of friends, but they're dying by the thousands in medieval Europe. This problem falls under the "plaguing" category. One last rule of thumb: If your problem involves some quantity of celery, no matter how small, avoid using the word "stalking," lest you summon the spirit of Pun-Tor the Avenger, who has eaten the souls of headline writers around the world ("Mr. T Alarm Clock Causes Rude Awakening," "Chicken Farmer Suspects Foul Play"), inspiring worse headlines such as "Giant Axe-Wielding Man Eats Newsmen; Can't Stomach Puns."
Ever,
Bensaki®
Dear Ask Bensaki(with a little "R" in a circle - my computer doesn't do those, I think),
When and how is it appropriate to tell a close, longtime friend of yours that his supposedly "humorous" blog is terrible and that no one reads it? You would think he'd get the hint after nobody "inscribes" his "book of guests," but he just keeps right on writing stuff everyday. I just want to let him know gently that nobody cares about disco fenceposts or whatever, without hurting his feelings. Any advice?
Your close, longtime friend,
"Punching Baggins"
Dearest Punching Baggins,
In addition to punching you, i can tell you this: Telling your friend what you just told me is not a good idea. Why crush his very spirit in one instant, when you can let him build up his hopes for eventual crushing by some more hostile force? Besides, he's not hurting anybody. Just let him keep on writing to his heart's content. But i'll tell you one thing: i sure feel sorry for the guy. Not being hilarious like me must be a terrible thing.
More sincerely than before,
Bensaki®
Dear Ask Bensaki®,
I'm a really nice, likeable guy, yet everbody's mean to me and i have no friends. This problem has been haunting me for years. I keep going to dog shows to try and meet people, but I can't help feeling like I'm barking up the wrong tree.. BOOM! CRASH! KAPOWIE! ET CETERA!
No! Sweet caramel delights, no! You've summoned... *CRUNCH*
(*awfully eery silence follows. i mean, eerier than most silences. doggone eery.*)
(today's title brought to you by arguably the best halloween cartoon to date)
Welcome to the first and, so far, only edition of Ask Bensaki®, an advice column in which people disguised as other people ask me embarrassing questions that they wouldn't want their friends to know they're wondering about. I never reveal the names of my readers to anyone else, but i do have a pretty good laugh at their expense myself. In that spirit, here is my first letter:
Dear Ask Bensaki®,
I have a problem, but I can't decide whether this problem is "haunting" me or "plaguing" me. Please help me find the right wording for my letter to an actual advice column.
Yours truly,
John McMade-UpName
Dearest John,
Yes, the old "haunting" vs. "plaguing" question. Which word to use? This depends on the nature of the problem. If the problem is a ghost, then i'd say it's haunting you. A rat? Pretty safe bet it's plaguing you. But what if it's something more abstract than that? Simple: you use the rule of association. Say, for example, you're a really nice, likeable guy, yet everybody's mean to you and you have no friends. Same thing happened to Casper, the Friendly Ghost. Ergo, the problem is haunting you. Or, say you have plenty of friends, but they're dying by the thousands in medieval Europe. This problem falls under the "plaguing" category. One last rule of thumb: If your problem involves some quantity of celery, no matter how small, avoid using the word "stalking," lest you summon the spirit of Pun-Tor the Avenger, who has eaten the souls of headline writers around the world ("Mr. T Alarm Clock Causes Rude Awakening," "Chicken Farmer Suspects Foul Play"), inspiring worse headlines such as "Giant Axe-Wielding Man Eats Newsmen; Can't Stomach Puns."
Ever,
Bensaki®
Dear Ask Bensaki(with a little "R" in a circle - my computer doesn't do those, I think),
When and how is it appropriate to tell a close, longtime friend of yours that his supposedly "humorous" blog is terrible and that no one reads it? You would think he'd get the hint after nobody "inscribes" his "book of guests," but he just keeps right on writing stuff everyday. I just want to let him know gently that nobody cares about disco fenceposts or whatever, without hurting his feelings. Any advice?
Your close, longtime friend,
"Punching Baggins"
Dearest Punching Baggins,
In addition to punching you, i can tell you this: Telling your friend what you just told me is not a good idea. Why crush his very spirit in one instant, when you can let him build up his hopes for eventual crushing by some more hostile force? Besides, he's not hurting anybody. Just let him keep on writing to his heart's content. But i'll tell you one thing: i sure feel sorry for the guy. Not being hilarious like me must be a terrible thing.
More sincerely than before,
Bensaki®
Dear Ask Bensaki®,
I'm a really nice, likeable guy, yet everbody's mean to me and i have no friends. This problem has been haunting me for years. I keep going to dog shows to try and meet people, but I can't help feeling like I'm barking up the wrong tree.. BOOM! CRASH! KAPOWIE! ET CETERA!
No! Sweet caramel delights, no! You've summoned... *CRUNCH*
(*awfully eery silence follows. i mean, eerier than most silences. doggone eery.*)
