Friday, October 10, 2003
Freak when froken to.
(this post is dedicated to Zimmerbloke for being so whiny yesterday.)
When you're a bear, how do you decide whom to maul? Is it based only upon hunger, or is there a certain special something about certain special people, a kind of "maulability," if you will, that interacts with the smell receptors and sends the nostrils into rollicking spasms of desire? I don't know. But it's a good question. A question that begs large-scale, state-funded scientific research by an unqualified researcher like me, who would use most of his research budget to buy banana cream pie and dental floss, then watch back-to-back episodes of Winnie-the-Pooh to document as evidence. And that's just what i did.
Mind you, Winnie-the-Pooh never mauled a soul, so most (all) of my findings are inferred from common misconceptions about bears. I have posted these findings here in "LIST" format, which is an anagram of the last names of the four scientists who invented the list: Ladyman, Ikebert, Stevenson-Sarkovsky-Sandwich, and Ted.
On Bears And Their Mauling Preferences:
-It is a commonly known fact that no one is ever mauled by a dead bear.
-The "maulability" of an individual is not increased by wearing a t-shirt that reads "Maul Me I'm Irish."
-Kidnapping baby bears and dressing them in the aforementioned t-shirt, however, does increase one's "maulability."
-If you are being mauled by a bear, be sure to yell loudly and flail your arms about, in case somebody is videotaping you.
-If i were a bear, i would probably maul Zimmerbloke for being so whiny yesterday.
-Beware of bears who do not share your political affiliation when election day comes around.
-Though not technically part of this study, getting mauled by a fish probably wouldn't be much fun either.
-I like banana cream pie.
Look for these findings to appear in an upcoming issue of "Total Science Magazine 5000" on the shelves of your local bookst...er... my room.
(this post is dedicated to Zimmerbloke for being so whiny yesterday.)
When you're a bear, how do you decide whom to maul? Is it based only upon hunger, or is there a certain special something about certain special people, a kind of "maulability," if you will, that interacts with the smell receptors and sends the nostrils into rollicking spasms of desire? I don't know. But it's a good question. A question that begs large-scale, state-funded scientific research by an unqualified researcher like me, who would use most of his research budget to buy banana cream pie and dental floss, then watch back-to-back episodes of Winnie-the-Pooh to document as evidence. And that's just what i did.
Mind you, Winnie-the-Pooh never mauled a soul, so most (all) of my findings are inferred from common misconceptions about bears. I have posted these findings here in "LIST" format, which is an anagram of the last names of the four scientists who invented the list: Ladyman, Ikebert, Stevenson-Sarkovsky-Sandwich, and Ted.
On Bears And Their Mauling Preferences:
-It is a commonly known fact that no one is ever mauled by a dead bear.
-The "maulability" of an individual is not increased by wearing a t-shirt that reads "Maul Me I'm Irish."
-Kidnapping baby bears and dressing them in the aforementioned t-shirt, however, does increase one's "maulability."
-If you are being mauled by a bear, be sure to yell loudly and flail your arms about, in case somebody is videotaping you.
-If i were a bear, i would probably maul Zimmerbloke for being so whiny yesterday.
-Beware of bears who do not share your political affiliation when election day comes around.
-Though not technically part of this study, getting mauled by a fish probably wouldn't be much fun either.
-I like banana cream pie.
Look for these findings to appear in an upcoming issue of "Total Science Magazine 5000" on the shelves of your local bookst...er... my room.
