Saturday, September 06, 2003
and Hollywood was never the same
all right, let's see here... where did i put that post? it was around here somewhere... i swear it was! hm. grrr, i hate when that happens. i had the best post written for you guys. it was seriously the funniest thing on the face of the earth, and that's not just me being modest. now it's all gone, and i'm left with nothing but my dreams, my good health, several billion dollars, a phD, many close friends, a boat, enough food to live comfortably for the rest of my life, and ownership of the larger part of the galaxy. what a drag. i'm sorry, you guys, i'm just going to have to make up a new post on the spot, and i can almost guarantee it won't be as funny as the one i lost. you don't even have to read it if you don't want. i mean, i don't even care.
the following is based partly upon an actual exchange that took place in a grocery between a talking oyster and my aunt. certain names have been changed to protect the innocent.
(narrator's voice) she walked down the aisle like nothing was out of the ordinary and like she wasn't wearing two assorted low-fat cheesecakes on her head. in a weird coincidence, she wasn't wearing two assorted low-fat cheesecakes on her head. she picked up an oyster and it soon began to talk to her, like it was less of an oyster and more of a talk-show host (it wasn't.) the conversation followed thus:
oyster: you hate me, don't you?
my aunt: what? i don't know what you're talking about!
oyster: i can tell by the look in your eyes that you just despise me. ooh, you just want to squeeeeze my guts out with one or possibly two fists, depending on the strength of your grip.
my aunt: i don't know what would give you such an idea! we've never even met before!
oyster: i can tell by your countenance and the family heritage inferred thereby that you have a latent predisposition to squish me.
my aunt: you're making this up! i have no quarrel with oysters, i swear!
oyster: i can tell by your "I Hate Oysters" t-shirt that you rather dislike my company.
this went on for several days and was overwhelmingly boring. if i hadn't been there filming it for my new movie which i am directing and also wrote myself, i probably would have left. so instead of ending with a traditional conclusion, i will implore you to go see "OysterAunt 5: The First One In The Series That Might Get Finished" in a theater near you. a theater near you, i say!
all right, let's see here... where did i put that post? it was around here somewhere... i swear it was! hm. grrr, i hate when that happens. i had the best post written for you guys. it was seriously the funniest thing on the face of the earth, and that's not just me being modest. now it's all gone, and i'm left with nothing but my dreams, my good health, several billion dollars, a phD, many close friends, a boat, enough food to live comfortably for the rest of my life, and ownership of the larger part of the galaxy. what a drag. i'm sorry, you guys, i'm just going to have to make up a new post on the spot, and i can almost guarantee it won't be as funny as the one i lost. you don't even have to read it if you don't want. i mean, i don't even care.
the following is based partly upon an actual exchange that took place in a grocery between a talking oyster and my aunt. certain names have been changed to protect the innocent.
(narrator's voice) she walked down the aisle like nothing was out of the ordinary and like she wasn't wearing two assorted low-fat cheesecakes on her head. in a weird coincidence, she wasn't wearing two assorted low-fat cheesecakes on her head. she picked up an oyster and it soon began to talk to her, like it was less of an oyster and more of a talk-show host (it wasn't.) the conversation followed thus:
oyster: you hate me, don't you?
my aunt: what? i don't know what you're talking about!
oyster: i can tell by the look in your eyes that you just despise me. ooh, you just want to squeeeeze my guts out with one or possibly two fists, depending on the strength of your grip.
my aunt: i don't know what would give you such an idea! we've never even met before!
oyster: i can tell by your countenance and the family heritage inferred thereby that you have a latent predisposition to squish me.
my aunt: you're making this up! i have no quarrel with oysters, i swear!
oyster: i can tell by your "I Hate Oysters" t-shirt that you rather dislike my company.
this went on for several days and was overwhelmingly boring. if i hadn't been there filming it for my new movie which i am directing and also wrote myself, i probably would have left. so instead of ending with a traditional conclusion, i will implore you to go see "OysterAunt 5: The First One In The Series That Might Get Finished" in a theater near you. a theater near you, i say!
